The Dead Mother Transcript
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:00
Hello, hello, you're welcome. Why do you keep pointing at me? Oh, I gotta do that thing today. Sure, why not? Hello, and welcome to Tales of Pelham. I am Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare, oh, I finished it, prepare to die. You have to father. Prepare oh, I finished it, prepare to die.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:28
You have to finish that quote and I am Knob Twister. This tale is a Russian fairy tale. It's called the Dead Mother. That's creepy, really. None of us want our mothers dead.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:46
Well, no, we don't.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:49
I bet there is people that do, but there's some sick twisted people that probably do.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:56
There's some sick twisted mothers.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:57
And I'm sure that when I was a teenager there were a few times that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:01
I wished my mother dead, but never stepped on the crack, but never stepped on the crack never stepped on the crack, wow this is written by wrs ralston, apparently which sounds like a british person, but whatever wrs that's what I said four names yeah, that's weird. Ralston, william richard, uh, stephen ralston says don't sound russian at all. Wow all right take it away the dead mother in a certain village. There lived a husband and a wife. Well, that's, that's just weird True story. Lived happily, lovingly, peacefully.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:49
If it was always that way.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:51
This is starting out nicely.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:53
It doesn't end that well, wow.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:56
All their neighbors envied them. The sight of them gave pleasure to honest folks.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:00
Ah yes. Pleasure.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:02
This is beautiful. Well, it really says well. Well, the mistress bore a son, but directly after it was born she died oh, I knew it would last second sentence. Wow, the poor father moaned and wept poor guy.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:21
Above all, he was in despair about the babe the babe. He didn't care about his wife. I guess what? Babe the babe, the babe with the power. The power of voodoo, the mistress bore a son, but directly after it was born she died. So the babe.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:41
You, just you completely missed it, dude. Oh, what babe, the babe with the power. What power, oh my god, power of voodoo, voodoo.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:52
You do you remind me of the babe? I completely missed it, sorry. How was he to nourish it? He doesn't have any boobs. Sure he does. How to bring it up without his mother? They didn't have breasts, not ones that are properly equipped to provide nourishing white substance.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:17
True, that Milk. Did he not have a cow?
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:21
He got a nursing maid back then. That was pretty normal Because they didn't have formula.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:29
He did what was best and what was best Hired an old woman to look after it.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:36
That's best. Okie doke, Get somebody else to do it. Hey, if you don't want to take out the trash, pay someone to. Hey. You don't want to mow the yard? Pay someone a hundred bucks.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:46
I thought the whole point was he was trying to figure out how to nourish it. You don't hire an old woman to do that. That's true. Only here was a wonder All day long the babe what babe Would take no food. Sorry, I'm going to say it every time Would take no food. Sorry, I'm going to say it every time would take no food and did nothing but cry.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:09
Well because it was an old woman. There was no soothing it anyhow, but during, for some reason, in parentheses, a great part of the night. One could fancy it wasn't there at all. So silently and peacefully did it sleep.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:29
Hmm, this is a mystery. Hmm, what's the meaning of this, thinks the old woman. Suppose I keep awake tonight. Maybe I shall find out. Weird Well, just at midnight she heard someone quietly open the door and go up to the cradle.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:52
Weirder the babe. He came still just as if it were being suckled the night.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:06
The next night the same thing took place, and the third night too. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:14
So she doesn't tell anybody Is somebody sneaking into the house, into the kids' room? And she doesn't approach them or say who are you? Or go to the father and say, hey, you know, maybe you need a better lock.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:28
She's an old woman.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:31
What does that have to do with anything? Is she just a senile?
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:36
She's just like hey, you know, somebody's taking care of this, so I don't have to, I can get some rest.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:44
So what was the whole point of her staying up all night to see what it was? I don't know, yeah, this is silly, oh wait a minute. Then after three nights.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:55
Then she told the father about it On the third night, yep.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:59
He called his kinsfolk together oh yeah. With their pitchforks and torches and held council with them Council. So now they're having a meeting about it Around a round table. They determined on this to stay awake on a certain night and to spy out who it was that came to suckle the babe.
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:19
So there's for sure the babe's being suckled. Wow, how do you make sure of that? I don't know. Is it just some white stuff?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:28
around its lips. Well, maybe you open the door when you hear the person come in and say who are you?
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:36
Hello, anybody there Excuse me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:41
So it even-tied.
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:44
Yeah, I do things that even-tied all the time they all lay down on the floor.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:49
This doesn't seem like a good plan. And beside them they set a lighted candle hidden in an earthen pot.
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:58
It's like Gideon from the Bible. Are they going to crash the pots and charge the suckling lady?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:05
It sounds like they're just having a surprise party. At midnight the cottage door opened.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:14
Someone stepped up to the cradle, someone.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:19
The babe, what babe became still.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:23
At that moment, one of the kinsfolk suddenly brought out the light. Ha ha.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:31
They looked and saw the dead mother in the very same clothes in which she had been buried, Zombie On her knees beside the cradle over which she bent as she suckled the babe at her dead breast.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:50
Oh, excuse me, Zombie breast. Pardon me, sorry, I didn't mean to look. She's suckling the baby.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:58
That's rude, she's the baby, that's rude, she's a zombie.
Micah (Knob Twister): 8:02
It's rude. Okay, the moment the light shone, zombies have rights too. The moment the light shone in the cottage, she stood up, gazed sadly on her little one and then went out to the room without a sound, not saying a word to anyone. All those who saw her stood for a time were terror struck. Of course they were, and when they found the bay, it too was dead.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:34
Well, what? That's the end.
Micah (Knob Twister): 8:39
I guess it was never really alive Because the old lady never went up and checked it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:44
She never fed it Because she couldn't. Was it a zombie baby?
Micah (Knob Twister): 8:49
We will never know, dustin, we will never know.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:54
I don't know if I approve of the zombie story. Did someone know she left? Did they stab the baby in the head, at least to make sure?
Micah (Knob Twister): 9:03
Oh, that's sick Gosh. Hey, get the father up here. Stab that baby.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:12
That's how you make sure that it doesn't go around eating other people With a thick wooden stake or a pickaxe or a screwdriver.
Micah (Knob Twister): 9:20
Yeah, yeah, stab it in the head. It doesn't go around eating other people With a thick wooden stake or a pickaxe or a screwdriver. Yeah, yeah, mm-hmm. Whatever you have around, mm, make sure you sharpen it with your pumice stone.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:30
All right, that was a lovely bonus. Zombie Halloween episode. I got chills. The dead mother feeding the baby.
Micah (Knob Twister): 9:40
Okie doke. My god, does it feel cold in here? No, it's like she's in here with us.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:49
You need psychological help.
Micah (Knob Twister): 9:51
Just don't suckle her breasts. Okie doke, you'll become a zombie too.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:57
I had no intention, but thanks for the warning. Um weird good night, bye-bye. Now zombie boobs. Huh, do you think zombie boobs have milk in them?
Micah (Knob Twister): 10:23
apparently they do I think it would be curdled maybe that's why the kid died I mean, if the, if the woman's dead and she's a zombie, then the milk would be dead and it would be like all curdled and chunky sour like cottage cheese.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:42
Yeah, and it would just come. Oh okay, I'm out.