The Farmer and the Badger Transcript

MicahHost00:07

Welcome to Tales of Bedlam, a fairy tale audio comedy. I'm your host, micah, are you sure? Uh-huh, had to think about it. Well, I was thinking if I should use a different name. Should I use Knob Twister or Micah, or just Micah the Knob Twister?

DustinHost00:24

You can do it all ways Twist your knobs all you want, dude oh.

MicahHost00:28

I'm introducing myself.

DustinHost00:30

I am going to take my samurai and my Mitsubishi to the Hibachi Sayonara.

MicahHost00:36

That's dusted At Tales of Bedlam. We are grateful for you, the listener. Let us know how we are doing. Leave a comment on Facebook, Twitter or our website at TalesOfBethlehemcom. If you're angry with us, go ahead and leave a comment too. Whoa, why would you be angry, I don't know. And if that's not enough, then you can purchase some swag. Swag, Support our podcasting habit while becoming a walking billboard for us, my favorite is the Dr Noel shirt.

01:07

Still, this is our second tale from Japan. This week, no. This week, no this month In a row. It's interesting to me that we're doing like a Japanese week on the American Independence Day and the Japanese almost took our independence away from us. Oh, they weren't even clubs. Well, they tried, they tried. We should have done American Tales this month. Oh my gosh, not Japanese.

DustinHost01:34

Are we really having a World War II discussion?

MicahHost01:37

Yes, yes, I think we are Today's story the Farmer and the Badger, or Kachikachiyama Wow the farmer and the badger, or kachi kachi yama wow, kachi kachi being the sound a fire makes, and yama means mountain, roughly translate to fire crackle mountain, so it's not something you'd ride at.

DustinHost02:03

I was just going to say, danny, I want to go to Firecracker Mountain. Shut up, you're going through. It's a Small World again.

MicahHost02:11

So it's a small world after all.

DustinHost02:16

Thank you so much for that.

MicahHost02:18

It's a small world after all, it's a small small world.

DustinHost02:22

That's not how the song goes, and if you do go to Disneyland and go through the ride, you can hear it sung in Japanese. Nice they sing it in like 20 different languages, and then by the end of the ride you want to gouge out your ear drum with a sharp object like a chopstick.

MicahHost02:39

Dustin, will you start our story for us today? The Farmer and the Badger.

DustinHost02:46

All right, I'm seeing a theme already, so instead of once upon a time, we start. Long, long ago there lived an old farmer and his wife who had made their home in the mountains, far from any town. All right.

MicahHost03:02

They were preppers.

DustinHost03:04

Their only neighbor was a bad and malicious badger. Alrighty, they were preppers. Their only neighbor was a bad and malicious badger. Okay, this badger used to come out every night and run across the farmer's field and spoil the vegetables and the rice which the farmer spent his time carefully cultivating. Well, that's easy to fix? No, it's not, you get your sword and oh, that easy to fix.

MicahHost03:26

No, it's not, you get your sword and oh, that I thought you meant actually damage. No, you fix the badger Nice.

DustinHost03:34

The badger at last grew so ruthless in his mischievous work and did so much harm everywhere on the farm that the good-natured farmer could not stand it any longer, taking all I can take and I can't take no more, and determined to put a stop to it. So we lay and wait day after day and night after night with a big club wrong weapon sir, hoping to catch the badger, but all in vain. Then he laid traps for the wicked animal. Now we're getting there. The farmer's trouble and patience was rewarded for one fine day. On going his rounds he found the badger caught in a hole he had dug for that purpose Useful. The farmer was delighted at having caught his enemy and carried him home securely bound with rope. When he reached the house, the farmer said to his wife I have at last got the bad badger.

MicahHost04:32

You must keep an eye on him while I am out at work and not let him escape, because I want to make him into soup tonight. Oh gross Badger soup, oh Delicious. I'll make soup out of those. You can make soup out of anything that's got meat.

DustinHost04:54

Well, you can make soup out of anything. It doesn't mean it's good.

MicahHost04:58

Saying this, he hung the badger up on the rafters of his storehouse and went out to his work in the fields. The badger was in great distress, for he did not at all like the idea of being made into soup that night.

MicahHost05:13

Well, yeah.

MicahHost05:15

And he thought and thought for a long time, trying to hit upon some plan by which he might escape. It was hard to think clearly in his uncomfortable position, for he had been hung upside down.

DustinHost05:30

Well, this is just cruel. Why didn't he just club him over the head? Why is he still alive?

MicahHost05:34

He was thinking backwards. No, the farmer, why didn't the farmer club the bad the head, why is he?

DustinHost05:36

still alive. He was thinking backwards. No, the farmer, why didn't the farmer club the badger as soon as he caught him? Why is he hanging him alive upside down from the rafters?

MicahHost05:44

Because that would be a shorter story and wouldn't give the badger a chance at being the villain.

DustinHost05:52

All right Touche. Very near him, at the entrance to the storehouse, looking out toward the green fields and the trees and the pleasant sunshine, stood the farmer's old wife pounding. You didn't have to say she was old, I'm just reading what's written there Uh, pounding barley Okie doke. She looked tired and old.

MicahHost06:16

How many times can we call her old in one?

DustinHost06:18

paragraph. Her face was seamed with many wrinkles and was as brown as leather. So we get it, people, she's really old. And every now and then she stopped to wipe the perspiration with which rolled down her face. Dear lady said, the wily badger, you must be very weary doing such heavy work in your old age, won't you? Let me do that for you. My arms are very strong and I could relieve you for a little while.

MicahHost06:51

Thank you for your kindness said the old woman but I cannot let you do this work for me, because I must not untie you, for you might escape if I did and my husband would be very angry if he came home and found you gone.

DustinHost07:09

Hmm, true that Now the badger is one of the most cunning of animals. And he said again in a very sad, gentle voice you are very unkind. You might untie me, for I promise not to try to escape. If you are afraid of your husband, I will let you bind me again before his return, when I have finished pounding the barley. I am so tired and sore, tied up like this.

MicahHost07:41

If you would only let me down for a few minutes, I would indeed be thankful the old woman had a good and simple nature and could not think badly of anyone. Much less did she think that the badger was only deceiving her in order to get away. She felt sorry too for the animal. As she turned to look at him, he looked in such a sad plight, hanging downwards from the ceiling by his legs, torture, which were all tied together so tightly that the rope and the knots were cutting into the skin. Ew, it's just tenderizing him, ugh. So in the kindness of her heart and believing the creature's promise that he would not run away, she untied the cord and let him down. That was a poor idea.

DustinHost08:33

The old woman then gave him the wooden pestle, and apparently we have to let everybody know that a pestle is a heavy, blunt tool used to grind things up, such as spices or herbs. If you're grinding spices, you put them in a container called a mortar and use the pestle to smash them up until they're finely ground. I know what a mortar and pestle is for I used it. I used to use one but not what a mortar and pestle's for. I used it, I used to use one.

MicahHost08:58

But not everybody knew that Well they should.

DustinHost09:02

They should, if you didn't know that, go out and read a book. Wow, for the love of Pete.

MicahHost09:07

There's a lot of books that never mention that.

DustinHost09:10

Well, read a book about pestles? Uh, she gave him. That'd be a boring book. It pestles uh, she gave him a boring book. It depends on what they're using the pestle for nudge, nudge, wink, wink. The old woman then gave him the pestle oh my gosh and told him to do the work for a short time, while she rested. He took the pest, but instead of doing the work as he was told, the badger at once sprang up on the old woman, whoa mean, and knocked her down with the heavy piece of wood. He, what, what, I'm not reading that. He then killed her and cut her up and made soup of her.

MicahHost09:57

Well, the farmer did want some soup.

DustinHost09:59

This got really dark really fast. He went from being a mischievous little critter to murder Premeditated too. And made soup of her and waited for the return of the old farmer. The old man worked hard in his fields all day, and as he worked he thought with pleasure that no more now would his labor be spoiled by the destructive badger. Did he know?

MicahHost10:27

It's going to be a bad surprise. Oh, Toward sunset he left his work and turned to go home. He was very tired. Sunset, he left his work and turned to go home. He was very tired, but the thought of the nice supper of hot badger soup awaiting his return cheered him. Mmm, Some basil, maybe a little cumin, some spices paprika.

DustinHost10:53

A little old woman.

MicahHost10:56

The thought that the badger might get free and take revenge on the poor old woman never once came into his mind. How was that revenge? She didn't do anything to him, she was nice to him. The badger, meanwhile, assumed the old woman's form. If you listened to our previous episode, you know that it's a tanuki. Bless you. A tanuki are a Japanese raccoon dog, and they are said to have shapeshifting powers.

DustinHost11:27

The last tanuki was way nicer than this one.

MicahHost11:29

Yeah, and he shapeshifted into a tea kettle, because why wouldn't you that didn't like to prepare tea?

DustinHost11:38

He didn't want to get torched on the fire.

MicahHost11:40

And as soon as he saw the old farmer approaching, came out to greet him on the veranda of his house, saying so you have come back at last.

MicahHost11:51

I have made the badger soup and have been waiting for you for a long time.

DustinHost11:56

No, this isn't okay. We need to cut this one short. The old farmer quickly took off his straw sandals and sat down before his tiny dinner tray. The innocent man never even dreamed that it was not his wife but the badger who was waiting upon him and asked at once for the soup. Then the badger suddenly transformed back to his natural form and cried out you wife-eating old man, look out for the bones in the kitchen. Gross, Laughing loudly and derisively, he escaped out of the house and ran away to his den in the hills. The old man was left behind alone. He could hardly believe what he had seen and heard. Then, when he understood the whole truth, he was so scared and horrified that he fainted right away.

MicahHost12:51

Right away Right after he puked. After a while he came round and burst into tears. He cried loudly and bitterly. He rocked himself to and fro in his hopeless grief. It seemed too terrible to be real that his faithful old wife had been killed and cooked by the badger while he was working quietly in the fields, knowing nothing of what was going on at home and congratulating himself on having once for all got rid of the wicked animal who had so often spoiled his fields. And oh the horrible thought he had very nearly drunk the soup which the creature had made of his poor old woman. Oh dear, oh dear, he wailed aloud.

DustinHost13:43

So he didn't eat his wife, no, he was this close.

MicahHost13:48

I'm holding two fingers up the thumb and forefinger.

DustinHost13:51

Oh my gosh, they were very close. He's very nearly ate old wife's okay I mean yeah, so uh. I mean I'm a fan of soup, but you said you can make soup out of anything that had meat.

MicahHost14:07

You said it well, I think you can make soup out of vegetables and you and I've even seen like cucumber soup. Mmm, that's good stuff. Cold you don't warm it up, it's chilled Tastes delicious.

DustinHost14:24

I think I'd rather eat dirt Cold cucumber soup.

MicahHost14:28

If I made you some cucumber soup, you would eat dirt instead.

DustinHost14:33

I just wouldn't eat it. I've got a little padding I could last a day or two. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Now, not far away, there lived in the same mountain a kind, good-natured old rabbit. Oh nice rabbit. He heard the old man crying and sobbing and at once set out to see what was the matter. Is everybody old in this story Old Except for the parlor. They've never called him old. Yeah, they just did right there. Oh, the old man, you're right.

MicahHost15:05

It's like everyone is old. I don't know if they called the badger old, but the rabbit's old. The wife was old, the man was old.

DustinHost15:12

Well, they went into great detail on how old the lady was. The man was old. Well, they went into great detail on how old the lady was. Jeez, yeah, it's an old rabbit and an old man. Huh, he went out to see what was the matter and if there was anything he could do to help his neighbor. The old man told him all that had happened. When the rabbit heard the story, he was very angry at the wicked and deceitful badger and he told the man to leave everything to him and he would avenge his wife's death.

MicahHost15:39

We're going to have a little rabbit on badger fight the farmer was at last comforted and, wiping away his tears, thanked the rabbit for his goodness in coming to him in his distress. The rabbit's going to need to arm himself. Thank you, kind, rabbit. Rocket launcher grenades, knives.

DustinHost15:59

This would all have been avoided if the old dude had just clubbed him in the head when he first got him or shot him with his shotgun.

MicahHost16:07

Jeez. The rabbit, seeing that the farmer was growing calmer, went back to his home to lay his plans for the punishment of the badger. His home to lay his plans for the punishment of the badger. The next day the weather was fine and the rabbit went out to find the badger. He was not to be seen in the woods or on the hillside, or in the fields anywhere. So the rabbit went to his den and found the badger hiding there, for the animal had been afraid to show himself ever since he had escaped from the farmer's house for fear of the old man's wrath.

DustinHost16:41

No kidding.

MicahHost16:43

Rabbit called out why, why. How would rabbit sound?

DustinHost16:48

Rabbit sounds are very horrifying.

MicahHost16:53

Oh, why are you not out Yo?

DustinHost16:57

how does it's like Bruce Willis?

MicahHost16:59

No, I was thinking of Hugh Jackman. He should be like Australian In Japan. Yes, well, they're not too far apart.

DustinHost17:13

True that, why are?

MicahHost17:15

you not out on such a beautiful day? Well, they're not too far apart, True that. Why are you not out on such a beautiful day?

DustinHost17:25

Come out with me and we will go out and cut grass on the hills together. The badger, never doubting but that the rabbit was his friend, willingly consented to go out with him. Only too glad to get away from the neighborhood of the farmer and the fear of meeting him, the rabbit led the way miles away from their homes, out on the hills where the grass grew tall and thick and sweet, they both set to work to cut down as much as they could carry home to store it up for their winter's food. Do badgers eat grass?

MicahHost17:55

Rabbits eat grass. Yeah, rabbits eat grass.

DustinHost17:58

When they had each cut down all they wanted, they tied it in bundles and then started homewards, each carrying his bundle of grass on his back. This time the rabbit made the badger go first. When they had gone a little way, the rabbit took out a flint and steel and, striking it over the badger's back as he stepped along in front, set his bundle of grass on fire. He set his ass on fire, Grass on fire. The badger heard the flint striking and asked what?

MicahHost18:30

noise.

DustinHost18:33

What is that noise? Crack crack.

MicahHost18:36

Oh, it's nothing, replied the rabbit. I only said crack, crack, because the mountain is called Crackling Mountain. Mate, wow, that was just a poor cover. Poor cover, crack. I just said crack, crack, I just said crack, crack.

DustinHost18:53

The fire soon spread in the bundle of dry grass on the badger's back. The badger, hearing the crackle of the burning grass, asked what is that?

MicahHost19:02

Now we have come to the burning mountain. Mate, answered the rabbit. By this time the bundle was nearly burned out and all the hair had been burned off, the badger's back, naked badger. He now knew what had happened by the smell of the smoke of the burning grass. Screaming with pain, the badger ran as fast as he could to his hole. The rabbit followed and found him lying on his bed groaning with pain. What an unlucky fellow you are, said the rabbit. I can't imagine how this happened. I will bring you some medicine which will heal your back quick.

DustinHost19:40

I doubt. What's he going to bring him? Acid Close? The rabbit went away, glad and smiling, to think that the punishment upon the badger had already begun. He's a blabber. He had hoped that the badger would die of his burns, for he felt that nothing would be too bad for the animal who was guilty of murdering the poor, helpless old woman who trusted him. He went home and made an ointment by mixing some sauce and red pepper together. Woo-hoo-hoo, buddy.

MicahHost20:11

So this gets worse and worse and I keep thinking, oh, I should feel bad for the badger. But then I'm thinking how he brutally murdered the sweet old lady.

DustinHost20:25

No, not only that, he chopped her up and made her into soup and gave her to her husband, but then again they were going to chop him up and make soup.

MicahHost20:36

It's a badger dude. Okay, he carried this to the badger, but before putting it on he told him that it would cause him great pain but that he must bear it patiently. That's crazy, Because it was a very wonderful medicine for burns and scalds and such wounds. The badger thanked him and begged him to apply it at once, but no language can describe the agony of the badger as soon as the red pepper had been pasted all over his sore back. Are you kidding me with that?

21:12

Yeah, for a red pepper and to open wounds he rolled over and over and howled loudly me with that yeah, throw red pepper into open wounds, open, burn wounds. He rolled over and over and howled loudly. The rabbit, looking on, felt that the farmer's wife was beginning to be avenged.

DustinHost21:27

This is a terrible story, you know. I've got to go home and sleep tonight. The badger was in his bed for about a month but at last, in spite of the red pepper application, his burns healed and he got well. When the rabbit saw that the badger was getting well, he thought of another plan by which he could compass the creature's death. So he went out one day to pay the badger a visit and to congratulate him on his recovery.

MicahHost21:54

During the conversation conversation, the rabbit mentioned that he was going fishing and described how pleasant fishing was when the weather was fine and the sea smooth the badger listened with pleasure to the rabbit's account of the way he passed his time now and forgot all his pains and his month's illness and thought what fun it would be if he could go fishing too. So he asked the rabbit if he would take him the next time he went out to fish. This was just what the rabbit wanted, so he agreed my plans are coming into place.

22:33

Nicely. Then he went home and built two boats what? One of wood and the other of clay. At last they were both finished, and as the rabbit stood and looked at his work, he felt that all his trouble would be well rewarded if his plan succeeded and he could manage to kill the wicked badger. Now what's?

DustinHost23:01

wrong? Why didn't we have plenty of opportunities to kill this badger? How about when he was writhing in pain from the burn wound and the pepper?

MicahHost23:11

could have, just he was letting him suffer.

MicahHost23:14

I know.

MicahHost23:15

And then he let him heal up so he could torture him again. These animals are wicked. These are terrible.

DustinHost23:22

The day came when the rabbit had arranged to take the badger fishing. He kept the wooden boat himself and gave the badger the clay boat. The badger, who knew nothing about boats, was delighted with his new boat and thought how kind it was of the rabbit to give it to him. They both got into their boats and set out. After going some distance from the shore, the rabbit proposed that they should try their boats and see which one could go the quickest. Yay, they're gonna have a race.

23:50

The badger fell in with the proposal and they both set to work to row as fast as they could for some time. In the middle of the race, the badger fell in with the proposal and they both set to work to row as fast as they could for some time. In the middle of the race, the badger found his boat going to pieces, for the water now began to soften the clay. He cried out in great fear to the rabbit to help him, but the rabbit answered that he was only avenging the old woman's murder, just throwing that out there for all to know now, and that this had been his intention all along and that he was happy to think that the badger had at last met his desserts for all his evil crimes and was to desert and was to drown, with no one to help him.

24:33

There had to have been a better plan. Then he raised his oar. And oh Then he raised his oar and struck the badger with all his strength till he fell with the sinking clay boat and was seen no more, bom-bom-bom.

MicahHost24:51

Thus, at last, he kept his promise to the old farmer. The rabbit now turned and rowed shorewards and, having landed and pulled his boat upon the beach, hurried back to tell the old farmer everything and how the badger his enemy had been killed. The old farmer thanked him with tears in his eyes. He said that till now he could never sleep at night or be at peace in the daytime, thinking of how his wife's death was unavenged. Why?

DustinHost25:25

didn't he go avenge it then?

MicahHost25:26

Yeah, he could have just dug another hole, but from this time he would be able to sleep and eat as of old, except for soup. Able to sleep and eat as of old, except for soup.

DustinHost25:40

He could work up to soup, maybe cold soups like cucumber. Why are you?

MicahHost25:43

stuck on this cucumber soup. He begged the rabbit to stay with him and have some cucumber soup and share his home. For from this day the rabbit went to stay with the old farmer and they both lived together as good friends to the end of their days.

DustinHost26:00

Oh, I remember this one. This is the old rabbit and farmer story. What was it? What the heck? I want to live with that rabbit. He's crazy. What's so crazy about him? He tortures things. That's a bad sign of an underlying mental illness and I understand revenge, but my goodness, just whack him and get it over with. It's like the John Wick of rabbits.

MicahHost26:33

You should really like it, then I really do. Except, he didn't have a gun, he just had Nobody killed anybody's puppy Nope Just killed the old lady.

DustinHost26:47

I made her into soup. I'm not sure that that part of the story was necessary.

MicahHost26:53

We've seen that in many fairy tales before though. That's gross.

DustinHost26:59

Like the juniper tree. Is that like the indication that someone's really bad?

MicahHost27:03

they're not just a little off their rocker, they're not just normal bad, they're really bad when you kill your stepson and bake him into a pie to feed to your husband. Is that blood pudding? Ooh, that's bad, not good, not good at all.

DustinHost27:20

You've gone too far you have officially stepped off the crazy mountain.

MicahHost27:25

That's right, you should have just made soup.

DustinHost27:28

And this story was called the Fiery Mountain.

MicahHost27:32

No, this wasn't the Fiery Mountain Kami Kami. Yeah, kachi kachi yama, the farmer and the badger, or kachi kachi yama, which means fire, crackle mountain, which is kind of weird because it's only yeah mentioned I thought it was going to be a volcano story. That'd been cool. We haven't had a story of volcano. We should do moana or something moana we've gone off on a tangent.

DustinHost27:59

We are far afield good night bye. You know disney's not known for its original stuff and its original stuff is crap, like when they do part two, part three, part seven, aladdin, part seven sand in my shoes it just gets stupid.

MicahHost28:29

That's what it's called no, I don't.

DustinHost28:32

I never watched any of them.

MicahHost28:34

They're awful. There's some originals that are good, like the Emperor's New Groove.

DustinHost28:41

No, that wasn't good. That's one of my favorites.

MicahHost28:47

No, it was awful, you didn't like the Emperor's New Groove.

DustinHost28:50

But that wasn't a new story. That was an adaptation of the Emperor's New Clothes.

MicahHost28:56

No, yeah, oh, clothes no yeah. Oh yeah, no, yeah. He doesn't ever wear clothes.

DustinHost29:02

He becomes a llama he turns into a llama, but they can't see him.

MicahHost29:07

It is nothing like the Emperor's New Clothes.

DustinHost29:11

Not even close. It's garbage.

MicahHost29:16

You're so mean, Dustin.

DustinHost29:18

I'm not.