The Flayed Old Woman Transcript
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:02
Welcome to Tales of Bedlam. This is our first episode for the month of October, our spooktacular event of five tales that will scare your socks off. I am not wearing socks. I purposely didn't wear socks so I wouldn't have to find them later.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:22
I hate when my socks get scared off.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:25
If you've been listening to us, you know that we like Halloween. We like the month of October Hello Halloween. So we're going to start this one off with a really good one from Italy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:40
It's an Italian tale. It says the flayed old woman Not fillayed.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:46
Flayed, Flayed. Dustin describe what flayed means Flayed Mm-hmm.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:55
It means to rip your skin off.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:58
Ouch, this is going to be a nail biter. Yeesh, I'll start out. You just sit there, dustin. Okay, a long time ago, the king of Rockfort Nice.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:11
I don't live in.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:12
Rockfort. Rockfort Lived across the street from two miserable old sisters. Oh no, the cruelty of time had taken everything away from the women. Age had deformed their limbs, wrinkles covered every inch of skin and the hair they had lost from their head regrew everywhere else on their ancient bodies. What Fantastic.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:39
Everywhere else.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:41
Between the toes, on the knuckles, off their chins, sure Ooh, oh. You know what I hate the most? Your hair. The hair growing out of their ears, out of old people, is just like shave that stuff.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:54
hey, pluck it something, don't uh, I have to shave my ear hair, so don't be going.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:59
Old people and that nonsense you are, uh slowly moving into that old category, aren't you Great, so am I. I'm right behind you. The sister did not dare go outside for fear of being seen.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:15
Oh, that's sad. The king had no interest in his reclusive neighbors until he happened to hear the eldest one singing through the rock fort and through their house apparently of neighbors, until he happened to hear the eldest one singing la la, la, la, la la through the rock fort and through their house. Apparently, by some chance, time had forgotten to steal away this youthful voice.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:34
It was an echo through the rock fort. You know, stone walls create echoes.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:42
If you say so. The king was enchanted by the sound and demanded to be told about woman. To be told about woman, about the woman. To be told about the woman living next to his castle. His servant knew of the hags. Oh, that's a terrible thing to say. He knew of the hags and was snide in his response.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:06
The woman is so fragile, a flick of dust could break her bones. Oh dear, the sarcasm was lost on the king who didn't know what sarcasm was, who now believed a delicate flower of a woman lived next to him and he began to pine for her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:25
Oh, gross Alas. Pining from a tower did not fit this bold, noble Alas. He walked straight to the rambled-down home of the sisters and spewed forth words of longing. He barfed. The eldest sister refused to come out and speak with the king, but that only made him want her more. Oh, this is just gruesome.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:55
He doesn't even know what he's in for hairy old ladies.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:01
the king demanded to see some part of her, to assuage his longing.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:06
Oh yeah, what part is she going to show?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:10
I don't want to read it. The hag was so wrinkled that there was no bit of her that wouldn't offend him, but it seemed that there was little choice in the matter. So in the smallest voice she could manage, the elder sister explained In a week's time I will show you one finger. Ooh, I thought she had a sweet voice, didn't she?
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:37
Yes she has a beautiful singing voice Doesn't mean that she doesn't sound like an old crone when she talks. I'll leave it at that. Very well, the king was delighted. He knew that strongholds were won inch by inch and considered this a step towards victory. He agreed and left the women to their own devices. The sisters desperately covered their fingers in syrup and sucked at them in a desperate attempt to rejuvenate their old flesh. What Does that work? I Like maple syrup.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:22
I'm gonna try it.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:23
I'll let you know when they use some cucumbers or I don't know they have the coal masks or what are all the different things that women use to make their skin soft? Bat poop, bat poop. I'd never heard of using maple syrup and sucking your finger.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:41
Maybe it was like the suction thing sucked all the wrinkles off.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:47
Or just drew the blood back into the finger. Why didn't they just get a little baby lamb and they're good suckers, or they could maybe sacrifice a virgin or something you know. Stem cell research maybe we have gone off the rail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:07
Sacrifice a virgin for her stem cells. To rejuvenate your finger.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:12
Woo-woo.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:13
It could work, moving along.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:16
They've done stranger things.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:20
Well, the syrup and the sucking, I guess, is weird. Now, a week went by. The king returned. He demanded to see the finger he was promised. I got a finger for you, man. He's excited. After all their work, the youngest sister had managed to produce one youthful-looking finger. Nice Said finger was offered to the king through the keyhole. What finger was it? I want to know. He licked it. Stop To the man, the digit was an arrow through his heart. He knew he was in love and said so between the passionate kisses he placed on the limb.
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:56
Ha, ha, ha ha ha, I told you he licked it. This is gross.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:03
Did you just pick this story to gross me out?
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:05
It'd be interesting to. I have to try that with my wife Kiss her finger through a. It's a big keyhole, that's, but I guess we don't have keyholes really anymore, not like she stick her finger through the keyhole. Yeah, I guess. So it's a big key. Well then, he couldn't see anything else, he could just see the one good looking sticky, sweet finger. What?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:32
There's all kinds of things wrong with this. What keeps the weather out of that huge hole in the door?
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:38
They live in a giant rock fort. Do they cork it? I don't think they are too worried about drafts.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:46
What about peeping toms?
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:48
No one was peeping on these old women, all right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:51
Except for the king. Oh, he placed kisses on the limb. The king begged, nay, pleaded, nay demanded this mysterious woman share his bed that night. He's getting serious.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:08
Unable to deny the king in the highest pitch she could manage, the elders sisters said I would be honored, but I am still a humble president, too ashamed to be seen by your grace. I will only visit your royal bed chambers if you remove all the lights in the castle, so I will not have to be afraid to be seen.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:31
Weird. Is he going to wake up, turn the lights on and gouge his eyes out? We will find out.
Micah (Knob Twister): 8:38
But first we have to do a commercial for maple syrup. Maple syrup from the hills of Wisconsin.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:47
It's the morning.
Micah (Knob Twister): 8:48
I'm high as a kite man Straight from the tree Sticky. It's a morning. I'm high as a kite man, straight from the tree Sticky, rejuvenating, delicious, for your pancakes Will remove wrinkles from your face If you suck on it. Smear it all over your body and have your loved ones suck it off. Maple syrup.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:07
If you ever say, suck it off on the podcast.
Micah (Knob Twister): 9:11
Find it at your local Walmart. I'm out. The king promised it would be done and left. While the king eagerly awaited nightfall, the sisters had to work fast, no doubt. What did it take them? What was it? A week To get one finger, to get one finger. And now A week to get one finger to get one finger. And now they've got to get the entire body like in shape. Oh, the eldest had every loose bit of flesh pool and tied behind her back with twine in a desperate attempt to regain smooth skin. Then they shaved and plucked until their time ran out. Oh god, I imagine there was a little bit of maple syrup involved too. Do you imagine the sisters? I wouldn't even go into that. The eldest sister draped herself in a cloak and was escorted by a servant through the dark halls of the castle With her back, fat, dragging on the ground.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:17
I'm done. I'm horrified enough right now. Is this spooky enough?
Micah (Knob Twister): 10:21
for you. I can't shut my eyes.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:26
In the darkness of the bedroom, the king pulled the woman close to him. Being a wealthy man, he had covered himself in the strongest of perfumes and could not smell the horrendous odors that seeped from the woman. Apparently, in all the time, they forgot to bathe Syrup also like goes rancid, it's all sugar.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:49
It does not go rancid. It's all sugar. It does not go rancid.
Micah (Knob Twister): 10:51
I could imagine if you coated yourself in maple syrup and you didn't have air conditioning back then. Mixed with all the oils and sweat.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 11:02
I think they just take a bath.
Micah (Knob Twister): 11:04
And bacteria that was under those folds that they now exposed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 11:12
I'm sorry, where were we? There was horrendous odor seeping from the woman Seeping, but he could feel her. Ooh, yeah, despite the sister's attempts, the king could feel the blisters that affected the old and the gnat bites that plagued the poor. Oh, I can't read it as they coupled. The king had expected to ride a fine Spanish galleon in quotes, only to find himself on a quote barnacle-ridden old tub.
Micah (Knob Twister): 11:53
Finished. Did he stop Finished After they finished old?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:03
woman fell asleep. Of course she did Probably killed her.
Micah (Knob Twister): 12:07
That was the most excitement she'd had for like 50 years 80. The king pulled out a flint and candle Don't do it. And looked upon his lover's face.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:18
Oh.
Micah (Knob Twister): 12:20
He was horrified. Oh no, he had wanted a nymph and instead found himself a gorgon. Oh, he quickly called the guards. Guards, they seized the poor. Quickly called the guards. Guards they seized the poor hag from the bed Guards and carried her toward the window, chuck her out. Yeah, she begged for mercy. She had no desire to deceive the king, but he had asked her to come.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:45
Oh True, that's very true, he did ask her to come. No, he demanded. Or he did ask her to come, no, he demanded.
Micah (Knob Twister): 12:50
Or maybe she asked him to come Stop. The king did not care and she was thrown out of the window.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:59
He begged pleaded and demanded.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:01
He did he begged pleaded and demanded.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:07
And demanded was in like like italicized bold and then rode her like a horse and then chucked her out the window. Wow, what a jerk chivalry. By some miracle the woman did not die upon the rocks below the tower. Instead she became tangled in a tree by all the back, fat and twine. I imagine. She struggled to get herself loose but found herself too old to do so and wept. That's sad. I'm still pissed at the king. Yeah, he's a jerk. The fairies of the forest heard the crying and went to investigate. Ooh, seeing the old woman's plight, that seems to be.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:49
Oh sorry, I didn't mean to investigate. Ooh, seeing the old woman's plight, that seems to be. Oh sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I was just going to say there are fairies in every culture, is there not?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:55
Well, that's because there's fairies everywhere.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:58
Oh.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:59
Mm-hmm.
Micah (Knob Twister): 14:00
I need to go find some.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:02
Well, find a mirror. You're kind of a fairy. What that was hurtful. What that's kind of funny. Though, seeing the old woman's plight, they laughed at her misfortune. These are mean fairies. She was hurt by the laughter and cried more. Told you, you're a fairy. The fairies could not remember a time they had laughed so hard, I know. So they decided they would bestow gifts on the old woman as thanks. Oh they're spiteful little gift givers.
Micah (Knob Twister): 14:39
That was kind of them in a roundabout way, right After they laughed at her, after they made fun of her and bullied her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:49
One by one, the fairies granted her youth and beauty, wealth and manners, servants and status. The eldest sister soon found herself seated on a velvet throne wearing a fabulous gown, surrounded by equally well-dressed attendants. Useful All in this tree.
Micah (Knob Twister): 15:10
Yeah, I guess. So I guess it would be a treehouse now.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:15
Yeah, what happened?
Micah (Knob Twister): 15:17
Where's the other sister? I guess she's still at home. She comes in later. Meanwhile the king finally regained his composure. He looked out the window to see the fate of the hapless old crone Jerk, only to see the finest lady in the land seated below. She was in the tree. Yeah, weird. He could not believe his eyes. He did not know what had happened or who it was, but believed it had to be fate. What, what, what. The kid, the kind, the king, that is a typo. The king ran out of the castle and proposed to the beautiful woman on the spot what the heck. The eldest sister, just as unsure what had happened, heartily agreed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:11
She heartily agreed to marry the dude that just chucked her out the window.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:14
But there's consent now.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:18
There was too much drama for consent.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:22
Technically he should probably be put in. He should be up for murder charges.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:26
He chucked her out the window Attempted murder charges right, but he's the king, so he could just change the law.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:34
But then everybody would be throwing people out windows. Well then, he'd just change it back.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:39
He's the king, he can do whatever he wants, apparently. Okay, that's the way the kings work. I don't like that. Uh, the two were wed that day. That day, the same day, he chucked her out the window. The new queen invited the elderly hag that lived next to the castle Her sister, I guess. Though many were tempted to make fun of the hideous crone once she took her place beside the new queen, none dared to.
Micah (Knob Twister): 17:07
Though more you know. This is really just messed up, people, because I don't make fun of older ladies. Well, I do. Well, that's not very nice, dustin, I do it in my head. Still not very nice, dustin.
Micah (Knob Twister): 17:21
This is not very nice, dustin, I'm sorry I think that a society should Value their wisdom and knowledge, maybe their stories, their life. I don't disagree with that. Why you're making fun of them in your head. They should be heard and not seen. Oh man, just put a bag over their heads, cut a hole in there so they could breathe and talk, right? Is that what you're?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 17:44
saying, like a barnacle-ridden old tub. That's right there, wow.
Micah (Knob Twister): 17:52
You're an ageist, I am, you're always getting on to me, and now here you are an ageist. Is that even a?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:00
thing an ageist.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:02
Absolutely. Oh, you, you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:06
You.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:09
I lost my spot.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:11
None dared to None dare to None dare to.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:13
Though more food had been placed in front of the old woman than she had ever seen in her life that's a lot of food Because she's old she refused to eat it All. Her focus was on the youth of her sister. Well, she's jealous, right? Well I would be a bit amazed.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:29
Yeah, this right. Well, I would be a bit amazed. Yeah, really, what the heck happened to you and where can I get some of that maple syrup does? She know it's her sister, though yeah, she knows it's her sister because she invited her to sit next to her. Well, that doesn't mean, which is kind of nice of her. She didn't like just forget her. Like in a lot of these stories it'd be like oh, I'm beautiful.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:51
Yeah, we never figure out what happened to the one that was left behind.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:54
Get everybody. They know the old woman tugged at her sister's gown. What have you done, my sister? How did you do it?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:04
She begged. The young queen shook her head Eat.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:09
Now We'll talk later the king asked what was the matter.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:15
And the queen dismissively explained the old woman finds the mustard on the dishes too strong. Oh, what?
Micah (Knob Twister): 19:24
Oh well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:25
Bring out the ketchup.
Micah (Knob Twister): 19:26
Then Again, the old woman prodded Please tell me, how you did it, my sister.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:35
The young queen scowled. We have more than enough time to talk about it. Please just eat and be patient. The king asked what was wrong. The queen said she wants to know if there'll be dessert soon.
Micah (Knob Twister): 19:48
Taramazoo Quit lying and just tell her it was fairies Crepes. She wants to know if there'll be dessert soon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:51
Hmm, tiramisu Quit lying and just tell her it was fairies Crepes with maple syrup that the jerk you just married chucked you out the window.
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:00
Wait. Crepes are French, not Italian, right. Are they Italian? Crepes are French, are French, darn it. What do the Italians have for dessert? Wine, moscato, moscato. All right, the haggardly sister would not. Wait Time had made her what she was. She insisted Tell me, tell me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:27
Settle down. Angered, the queen spat out.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:32
I flayed myself.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:34
Strange enough, she says random things yeah.
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:37
Could you imagine the crowd just going silent? What you flayed yourself, like a chicken Flayed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:47
What Flayed we're having fish.
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:50
What happened? The crone looked at her sister enviously. In a bitter tone she said we suffered together, so I will not let you enjoy this happiness alone, and left the palace. Oh, the old woman came to the barber-surgeon the barber-surgeon. The old woman came to the barber surgeon the barber surgeon. Back then the surgeons were also barbers, so they'd cut your hair and they'd let your blood Good times.
Micah (Knob Twister): 21:18
Yeah, yeah, because they had the knives, I guess. But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Okay, the old woman came to the barber surgeon and offered all the money the two had saved up Flaming. She demanded as much money as she had offered. The barber could not easily take up such a task. He tried to talk her out of it, but the old woman was determined and the barber eventually relented. No, no, come on, destin, bring us home. The woman was chained up.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:58
I don't know what kind of weird barber surgeon this is, but he's just got Cute spooky music. He's just got chains laying around. Yes, the woman was chained up and sat patiently for the barber With his razor. He began to skin her backside. With each tug and pull of the skin. The woman remained quiet, repeating.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:25
You must suffer for beauty. You must suffer for beauty.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:32
She kept up her mantra as the blood pooled around her and the light faded from her eyes. The end.
Micah (Knob Twister): 22:42
That's messed up. That sister's going to be pretty sad.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:48
Is she though? Is she really?
Micah (Knob Twister): 22:53
Why didn't she just say Maybe the fairies will come and laugh at her for what she did to herself?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:57
It was the fairies. Now be quiet, Hag. What's with the? I flayed myself. I wonder if that's. This was a horrible. I have to go home and sleep now.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:09
If you thought that was good, wait till next week. We actually have a story with two versions and I believe that Mr Death Hades is going to join us. Two virgins, two virgins oh yeah, most of the characters in it are virgins. Sweet, but there's two different virgins. The first one's horrible and the second one is really horrible.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:38
Is more horrible.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:40
Most it's horribler, most arrestorly horrible.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:44
It's more horribler.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:46
It's the horriblestest.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:47
Fantastic Tune in next week for the horribler virgin tales.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:54
And if you think that our grammar is fantastic, then please tell your friends and family about us, because we would love them to hear our October Halloween stories and we really would love to increase our fan base. But the only way we can have that happen is if you the listener that's you listening right now would tell a friend or a family member about how awesome we are.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:24
I think your house is haunted. It is.
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:27
All right, next week I should bring in some props to go with the story, just to get you in the mood.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:36
I'm good the slaughter mood. This is an audio podcast.
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:41
I give a hint away, but it could make you scared. Transfer that fear into you do you know me?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:50
have you know me? Have you met me?
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:53
Yes, good night.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:07
Bye Props will scare me. That's just nonsense.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:13
What if I bring in knives and dripping blood and stuff?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:15
that you can see is actual bone chips.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:20
I'll have you mentally evaluated.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:22
I don't know why that would scare me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:26
Well, first I'd probably taste it, because it's not going to be blood.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:29
You must suffer for beauty, suffer for beauty.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:35
Well, that's something I will never suffer for. I'll tell you right now.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:39
Because you already are beautiful, Dustin as beautiful as I'll ever be.