The Girl Who Pretended to be a Boy Part Three Transcript
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:05
Welcome back and welcome to Tales of Bedlam for our final installment of the Girl who Pretended to Be a Boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:14
Ugh, I feel like I've been reading for a week.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:17
Uh, I don't know what to say about that.
Mr. Death Hades: 0:20
It's a long story.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:22
It's not that long. We've had longer. It's a long story. It's not that long, we've had longer.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:25
It's three installments.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:27
Well, we chose to break it up instead of it being an hour and a half long. Alright. So, on that note, if this is the first one you're listening to, when it's actually part three, I would suggest you go back and listen to part one and two.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:44
Well, absolutely All things to be done in order Start at the beginning and go until you get to the end, and then stop.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:51
Sounds like a plan.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:53
That's Jedi wisdom for you.
Micah (Knob Twister): 0:55
Really quickly, though. If you like our new format, please go to our website at TalesOfBedlamcom and leave a comment, Subscribe and like wherever you listen to your podcast oh I think I got a splinter. Are you gonna start?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:14
are we going? Oh, I gotta read that.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:16
That's why we have a script. Oh, I'm your host.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:21
Knob twister that's what threw me off. I didn't get my introduction. That's right, and I love my introductions.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:27
And this is my good friend Sofa Sitter. I'll be the Sofa Sitter today, Although he's doing less and less sitting on sofas and more and more running and walking and eating well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:42
If you don't have to do those things, don't do them. That's what I have to say. Sit on the sofa and eat cheeseburgers, if you can't.
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:51
Well, you can. When's the last time you've had a cheeseburger?
Micah (Knob Twister): 1:57
January.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:57
That was that long ago.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:01
But still, you used to have one every other day.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:06
I haven't had fast food since the first week of January. They don't care.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:13
Again. Get on our website at TalesOfBedlamcom and leave a helpful comment to encourage SofaSitter to keep on going. Keep on keeping on, that's right, dustin.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:25
Oh, we didn't let them know that Death and Dr Knowall will be joining us a little later. That is true, because it seems they were up all night watching Netflix and draining the county of all its honey whiskey.
Micah (Knob Twister): 2:37
That's why there was no more honey whiskey Jerks.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:41
I hope they have ridiculously bad hangovers. So here we go. I guess we don't need to recap, just go back and listen to the first two parts. That's right, the emperor received ilion. Is that what we decided? Your name? Ilion yes, the emperor received ilion with all the respect that was due to her and fell in love at first sight.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:04
Besides, of course he did, but this did not seem to please Ilyan, whose face was sad as she walked about the palace or gardens wondering how it was that, while other girls did as they liked, she was always in the power of someone who she hated.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:24
How did she know she hated him? She just met him. But I do take her point.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:28
Well, she was kidnapped and brought there and then not apologized to or released. So yeah, I probably would hate them also.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:36
She was kidnapped and then saved from kidnapping by being kidnapped.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:39
That's right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:41
It's not good, no. Oh there's a Dr Noah dragging his butt in Ha.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:48
Did you have a good night's sleep?
Dr. Know All: 3:51
Oh, it's very bad. We're really having no more of the whiskey today.
Micah (Knob Twister): 3:58
Oh, but I poured you a glass.
Dr. Know All: 4:02
Oh, I think I'm going to need the bathroom. Poured you a glass? Oh, I think I'm gonna need the bathroom. I would like to say this feeling of entrapment is to be expected after such an imprisonment, although I'd expect to see some Stockholm Syndrome crop up for much longer.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:17
Well, we were just saying that was to be expected. But thanks for that. Rest your head for a minute.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:24
We may need you later your professional opinion.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:27
That's right, clear-headed.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:30
So when the Emperor asked her to share his throne, ilion answered Noble Sovereign.
Andrea: 4:37
I may not think of marriage, but my set of horses has been brought me, with their trappings, all complete, sweet.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:45
Which I'm going to have. Andrei, record all those pink ones, ilium. Well then I got you, but I'll stand in now for it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:53
I think you did lovely.
Micah (Knob Twister): 4:55
Well, thank you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:00
When he heard this, the emperor once more set for Fetfrunners and said Fetfrunners, fetch me instantly the stud of mares with their trappings, all complete. If not, your head shall pay the forfeit.
Mr. Death Hades: 5:11
The emperor surely knows how to change the mood. Oh lord, a cloud has entered the palace, and of fairness he knows not, it feels rather like three rainy days.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:28
I can't tell you how glad we're to have Death back With all his chipper insights. I'm feeling well today. Thank you, sure you are. You just set polish your scythe.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:43
Mighty Emperor, I kiss your hands. Hands, wait, who is this?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:47
this is front runners it is yeah, I just returned from doing your bidding oh, mighty emperor, I kiss your hands.
Micah (Knob Twister): 5:59
I have but just returned from doing your bidding. Behold, you send me on another mission and stake my head on its fulfillment, when your court is full of valiant young men pining to win their spurs. They say you are just a man. Then why not entrust this quest to one of them? Where am I to seek these mares that I may bring you?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:28
How do I know? They may be anywhere in heaven or earth, but wherever they are, you will have to find them. Okay, the princess bowed and went to consult sunlight. He listened while she told her tale and then said oh God, I forgot about this.
Micah (Knob Twister): 6:50
Fetch quickly nine buffalo skins.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:53
Smear them well with tar and lay them on my back. Then look up the Thirteenth Warrior on.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:02
Netflix and study it. Do not fear.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:06
You will succeed in this also, but in the end the Emperor's desires will be his undoing.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:17
That's some good advice. I'm not sure what the buffalo skins are for, but I agree with the 13th Warrior.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:24
I don't know what the 13th warrior has to do with anything.
Micah (Knob Twister): 7:28
You never saw that movie. I saw it. The buffalo skins were soon got and the princess started off with sunlight Sweet. The way was long and difficult, but at length they reached the place where the mares were grazing. Here, the genius who had carried off Ilion was wandering about, trying to discover how to capture them, all the while believing that Ilion was safe in the palace where he had left her. Weren't they like a ship's ride away? I know she got there really quick. It's a magical horse, remember, Right right, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:07
As soon as she caught sight of him, the princess went up and told him that Illion had escaped and that his mother, in her efforts to recapture her, had died of rage. Ouch, at this news, a blind fairy took possession of the genius and he rushed madly upon the princess, who awaited his onslaught with perfect calmness.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:26
so she was like baiting yeah, she was like she was john, wickin him as he came on with his saber lifted high in the air, sunlight bounded right over his head so that the sword fell harmless. And when, in her turn, the prince is prepared to, the horse sank upon his knees so that the blade pierced the genius's thigh. Ouch.
Dr. Know All: 8:50
Hmm, it's never good to strike out in rage. They really should have sat down and talked about it over a cup of tea, with light lute music in the background.
Mr. Death Hades: 9:02
You're a quack. Nothing has ever been settled over tea when death is on the background. You're a quack. Nothing has ever been settled over tea when death is on the line. I mean literally Answer your phone, man. Death is on the line and I have something to tell you privately.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:16
Okay, did you two have a little fight last night over Netflix? Maybe? What the heck's going on? Let's not threaten the guests. I thought we watch 13th Warrior.
Mr. Death Hades: 9:42
Dr Know-All wanted to watch.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:43
you've got mail oh well, I'm gonna have to agree. You probably need to be killed for that. It's a bad choice. You got mail. The fight was so fierce that it seemed as if the earth would give way under them and for 21 miles round, the beasts in the forest fled into their caves Oddly specific, 21 miles. At last, when her strength was almost gone, the genius lowered his sword. For an instant, the princess saw her chance and, with one swoop of her arm, severed her enemy's head from his body. Still trembling from the long struggle, she turned away and went to the meadow where the stud was feeding.
Micah (Knob Twister): 10:27
By the advice of sunlight. She took care not to let them see her and climbed a thick tree where she could see and hear without being seen herself. Then he neighed, and the mares came galloping up, eager to see the newcomer, All but one horse who did not like strangers and thought they were very well as they were.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:55
Stranger danger.
Micah (Knob Twister): 10:56
It's kind of a strange I don't want to use that word again it's kind of an odd little bit of information there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 11:06
The one that stood back. Stranger, stranger danger. His mama taught him well, for her it's mares, so it's a her. A sunlight stood his ground. Well pleased with the attention paid him, this sulky creature suddenly advanced to the charge and bit so violently that had it not been for the nine buffalo skins, sunlight's last moments would have come. That's a severe bite Took nine buffalo skins.
Micah (Knob Twister): 11:35
One bite would kill you. Literally just one bite.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 11:39
Nine buffalo skins is a lot of skins. I don't know, that's a mean mare. When the fight was ended, the buffalo skins were in ribbons and the beaten animal writhing with pain on the grass. This is a brutal story.
Micah (Knob Twister): 11:53
Nothing now remained to be done but to drive the whole stud to the emperor's court. So the princess came down from the tree and mounted sunlight while the stud flowed meekly after mounted sunlight, while the stud followed meekly after the wounded horse bringing up the rear. On reaching the palace, she drove them into a yard and went to inform the emperor of her arrival.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:23
The news was told at once to Elion, who ran down directly and called them to her one by one, each mare by its name. She knew all her names Dopey and Sleepy and Smelly.
Micah (Knob Twister): 12:38
That's a different story. Yeah, I think it's the wrong names.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:42
And at the first sight of the wounded animal, at the first sight of her. The wounded animal shook itself quickly and in a moment its wounds were healed and there were not even a mark on its glossy skin. Is this just magic?
Micah (Knob Twister): 12:56
Everybody, everywhere. Is everybody in this tale magical? Every one of them? Or beat boxer. Genies and magic horses and magic dads and by this time the emperor, on hearing where she was, joined her in the yard and, at her request, ordered the mares to be milked.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:19
Creepy.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:20
That's what I would have done right off the bat Gross, so that both he and she might bathe in the milk and keep young forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:29
This is weird. There's a backstory here that nobody's told us about. Who says that makes you young? I've never heard of it and I'm not milking a horse to figure, find out if it works either. Just so you know.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:40
If it were that easy, I think that we wouldn't be getting old.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:45
Yeah, we wouldn't be milking cows, we'd be milking horses, that's right.
Micah (Knob Twister): 13:50
Dustin, no, we could. No, I know where there's a horse, but they would suffer. No one to come near them, and the princess was commanded to perform this service also. How, how bizarre. He's just like picking on her him, her him, you know I think it's one of those.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:13
You got the one employee that does everything right and gets everything done the first time you tell them, so you just stop asking anybody else to do it.
Micah (Knob Twister): 14:23
Hmm, right, that could be. Do you think there might be?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:27
a little bit of I don't know, I don't know if he's picking on her.
Micah (Knob Twister): 14:31
I think it seems she's getting stuff done.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:34
I bet that's how she feels oh yeah, but she gets it done every time. Why would you ask anybody else? I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister): 14:40
It's true, you're right. Maybe he could just fire the rest of them and just use her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:45
Send them all back to their families. Jeez, dr. Know-all, wake up, give us some insight, oh, oh.
Dr. Know All: 15:01
This emperor has serious delusions of grandeur. This is likely to be traced to his childhood, I would infer he was terrorized by his mother and had an absent father, huh I don't know if that was useful information at all.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:09
Go back to sleep.
Micah (Knob Twister): 15:10
Oh yeah, I hmm isn't that like the Hmm?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:15
Isn't that like the Oedipus?
Micah (Knob Twister): 15:19
Yeah. The normal response to every.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:24
Yeah, that's sociopath diagnosis. Yeah, exactly.
Micah (Knob Twister): 15:28
You know, if you start killing people, you must have had a bad childhood. You had a bad mother and your father wasn't there.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:35
Yeah, you're not very useful at all. Take a nap At this. The heart of the girl swelled within her. The hardest tasks were always given to her and long before the 10 years were up, she would be worn out and useless. Yeah, she feels picked on. But while these thoughts pass through her mind, a fearful rain fell such as no man remembered before and rose till the mares were standing up to their knees in the water Today, as suddenly it stopped and behold, the water was ice.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:09
Well, that's convenient. What?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:11
the crap which held the animals firmly in its grasp. What is going on? More magic. And the princess' heart grew light again and she sat down gaily to milk them, as if she had done it every morning of her life.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:28
Well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:29
Who milks a horse?
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:31
Um someone who lives forever.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:34
Apparently.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:36
I wonder if we had a swimming pool. No, how do they freeze the ice rinks? Can you do it quickly?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:46
That's a really good question. I've never thought of that. I don't know if it's a good question they have to do that chemically.
Micah (Knob Twister): 16:55
What if you just drugged the horse so it would hold still, or maybe shot it and then milked it quickly? Could you still get milk from a dead horse? What did I just hear? What am I hearing? There's gotta be an easier way. I gotta clean my ears out calling down rain. It's a super easy way.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 17:15
Just don't do it. Leave the horse alone.
Micah (Knob Twister): 17:19
But I want to live forever. It's not how it works. The love of the emperor for Ilion waxed greater day by day and she paid no heed to him. That hurts and always had an excuse ready to put off their marriage At length when the headache thing just came to mind At length, when she had come to the end of everything she could think of.
Andrea: 17:47
She said to him one day Grant me, sire, just one request more, and then I will really marry you, for you have waited patiently this long time.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:01
Ah, a scorned lover of the classic.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:04
Hmm, might say Shakespearean.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:06
Shakespearean. My beautiful dove replied the emperor, both I and all I possess are yours, so ask your will and you shall have it.
Andrea: 18:15
And all I possess are yours, so ask your will and you shall have it. Get me, then, a flask of the holy water that is kept in a little church beyond the River Jordan, and I will be your wife.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:27
Weird. So now they're going to Israel, hmm.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:33
Well, you could have holy water from a Catholic church, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:37
Yeah, but not beyond the River Jordan.
Micah (Knob Twister): 18:39
That's true, you're right, I missed that part In a little church beyond. So where are these people?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:47
Nobody knows. Isn't this like Romania? Yes, it is. That's a long trek. They just hop on ships over and back in a day anyway. So what's the big deal? Okay, apparently it was magic. They just ice skate there on the magic rain.
Micah (Knob Twister): 19:03
Then the Emperor ordered fret-fronters to ride without delay to the river Jordan and bring back, at whatever cost, the holy water for Iliad Weird. I think she's just asking like impossible tasks. She obviously doesn't want to marry him. At least that's what I get from this.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:23
Well, it says that you don't need to infer that. It says it outright in the story she didn't want to marry him. This my mistress said sunlight when she was saddling him is the last, and most difficult of your tasks, but fear nothing
Micah (Knob Twister): 19:44
for the hour of the Emperor has struck.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:51
Now check out the Last Emperor on Netflix and find hope for tomorrow. That doesn't have anything to do with that.
Dr. Know All: 20:01
The.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:01
Last Emperor, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:07
No.
Dr. Know All: 20:10
No, that's the Last Samurai.
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:12
Yeah, no, the Last Emperor. It's about the last emperor of China. Right, that was.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:17
Jet Li or something? No, it's about the last emperor of China, right, that was Jet Li, or something. No, isn't that the one where they shoot like a million arrows and there are so many they can't see?
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:23
the sun. Wow, I don't think you've watched this movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:26
This is not the movie I'm thinking of?
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:29
I think you're thinking of the House of Flying Daggers or something like that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:32
I don't know, but that was a good movie and he dodged all of them.
Micah (Knob Twister): 20:36
Yeah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:38
So they started and the horse, who was not a wizard for nothing, told the princess exactly where she was to look for the holy water while laying a sick beatbox track from the movie the Exorcist. That's the only music I know from the Exorcist. That's the only music I know from the.
Micah (Knob Twister): 21:00
Exorcist. No, that was. That's the Shining.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:05
I never watched the Exorcist. I was with a little girl with a spinning head right.
Micah (Knob Twister): 21:10
Yes, that is correct.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:11
I have to sleep at night, so I don't watch that stuff. It stands, he said, on the altar of the little church and is guarded by a troop of nuns.
Andrea: 21:25
They never sleep, night or day but every now and then a hermit comes to visit them.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:34
This is a huge paragraph.
Andrea: 21:38
And from him they learn certain things.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:42
It is needful for them to know.
Micah (Knob Twister): 21:47
That's weird. Learn certain things. It's needful for them to know. What do the nuns need to know? Good hygiene.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:59
How to fold their habits. I don't know. It's odd how to make rosaries.
Micah (Knob Twister): 22:04
Why is this one friar come? They didn't say it was a friar they said it was a hermit. Why does this one hermit come to meet all these?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:13
nuns. Why do you think this hermit comes to meet all these nuns and to teach them all they need to know this is getting dirty and it needs to stop. They're nuns. When this happens, only one of the nuns remains on guard at a time, and if we are lucky enough to hit upon this moment we may get hold of the vase at once If not we shall have to await the arrival of the hermit, however long it may be, for there is no other means of obtaining the holy water I've shaken all the spit out of my face.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:00
I know it sounds almost painful.
Dr. Know All: 23:05
This would have been a great time for a cup of tea and a chat with the nuns. Most of these situations can be resolved if both parties will sit down and talk about their differences.
Mr. Death Hades: 23:17
Am I missing something? Why do they even need this holy water?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:22
What do you know about holy water, Dad? Doesn't it burn your face off?
Mr. Death Hades: 23:26
I bathe in it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:28
Yeah, you do not Liar. Just listen to the story and don't spoil, I think he's got a point.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:35
Well, I guess the point really is she just doesn't want to marry him but so she's asking, like I said, the impossible task. But seriously the question why would you even need the holy what's so special about this holy water. It can't be that much more special than what they could have gotten in their own country, right?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:55
Just go down to your local Catholic church and have a priest bless some water. That's right.
Micah (Knob Twister): 23:59
They came inside of the church beyond the Jordan and, to their great joy, beheld the hermit Just arriving at the door. Hey, it's a miracle. They could hear him calling the nuns around him. Here. Now stop, nanny, nanny, nannies is that your nun call I don't know, I gotta have a creepy, creepy type voice. You have to do like a turkey. Gobble here, nuns here, nanny, nanny, nann, stop it, I've got something for you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:37
He has needful things for them to learn.
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:41
Oh boy. And saw them settle themselves under a tree. Oh, they're going to learn. With the hermit in their midst, All but one who remained on guard, as was the custom. So she drew the short straw.
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:58
This is weird.
Micah (Knob Twister): 24:58
Or maybe she lucked out? Yeah, I think she lucked out. The hermit had a great deal to say, of course, and the day was very hot. So the nun tied the hermit to the tree, I mean, tired of sitting by herself, lay down right across the threshold and fell sound asleep.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:23
She just took a nap in the doorway.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:24
She's not a very good guard.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:26
Well, she was tired and she was a nun. That's a hard job, I don't know. You have to smack people with rulers all the time. That's exhausting.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:36
I'm actually just thinking of the quest for Holy Grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:40
Run away, run away.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:44
What was the castle that they went into with all the nuns, the nunnery? Oh my gosh.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 25:53
I forgot what was that called. I don't know what you're talking about. They put the grail light up.
Micah (Knob Twister): 25:59
Yes, and it always brings the Zoot, they're so naughty. I need a spanking For luring the knights with the promise of the grail.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 26:11
It was called Castle Anthrax wasn't it?
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:14
I don't think Really. Now you're going to have torax, wasn't it? I don't think really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 26:16
Now you're going to have to find out. I think it was.
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:21
But that doesn't make sense, I know.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 26:23
That whole movie didn't make sense. They ran around clopping coconuts together. The whole movie.
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:30
The castle? Yes, it is the Castle, anthrax. What?
Dr. Know All: 26:37
It doesn't even make sense.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 26:37
It's a sad day when passing ruffians will stop and say meh to an old woman.
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:42
Oh yes, Eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half.
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:49
They weren't nuns.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 26:52
Were they? They weren't nuns.
Micah (Knob Twister): 26:54
No, I guess not. They were just keepers of the castle anthrax. But I don't know. They kind of look nunnery if I remember correctly.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 27:04
I think that was supposed to be the idea. Yeah anyways we have the nuns sleeping in the doorway we have we strayed we went very far astray.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 27:15
Uh, then sunlight told the princess what she was to do and the girl stepped softly over the sleeping nun, crept like a cat along the dark aisle, feeling the wall with her fingers lest she should fall over something and ruin it by all the noise. But she reached the altar in safety and found a vase of holy water standing on it. This she thrust into her clothing and went back with the same care as she came. But she reached the altar in safety and found a vase of holy water standing on it. This she thrust into her clothing and went back with the same care as she came. With a bound, she was in the saddle and seizing the rain's bathed sunlight. Take her home as fast as his legs would carry him. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum bum, bum, bum, bum.
Micah (Knob Twister): 27:52
More beatboxing. The sound of the flying hooves aroused the nun oh God Stop. Who understood instantly that the precious treasure was stolen.
Dr. Know All: 28:06
Oh no.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 28:08
It could have just been the mail guy Just put some more water in a vase and stick it up there. Who would know?
Micah (Knob Twister): 28:13
Yes, Jeez, and her shrieks were so loud and piercing that all the rest came flying to see what was the matter. Wait, it was flying nuns. Flying, it does say flying. That was funny. The hermit followed at their heels but, seeing it, was impossible to overtake the thief for he had to pull his pants up.
Micah (Knob Twister): 28:38
He fell on his knees and called his most deadly curse down on her head praying that if the thief was a man, he might become a woman, and if she was a woman, that she might become a man. In either case, he thought that the punishment would be severe.
Dr. Know All: 29:00
See, this could have all been avoided with a little communication. Communication is key.
Mr. Death Hades: 29:06
That's not a deadly curse. I have a few deadly curses that the good father might like to have for just such occasions.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:18
We Death. I don't even know what to do with you anymore.
Micah (Knob Twister): 29:21
That is not even a deadly curse. I mean seriously.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:25
Well, I don't know why they called it. I can think of ten things.
Micah (Knob Twister): 29:27
That would be way worse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:28
I don't know why they called it a deadly curse. I think that was a misnomer. It wasn't deadly, it was supposed to be perplexing and awful.
Micah (Knob Twister): 29:35
You know what it is. It just fits the story. Well, it had to. I know it had to wrap it up Sometime.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:42
It's only been 72 pages. But, it seems awfully convenient that that was the deadliest curse the hermit knew. Oh well, I don't know who would that kill.
Micah (Knob Twister): 29:57
Didn't kill anyone, I know, but it just changed your sex.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:59
It was a sex change.
Micah (Knob Twister): 30:00
If you were a dude, it's a sex change curse. Well, in this case it works out right. It would be a little bit unusual if if you were married, it'd be a little unusual and you came home and you're like hi, honey, I'm.
Micah (Knob Twister): 30:16
I mean hi honey, I'm home and I got a new pair of things and hint, hint, it's not below the belt anymore.
Micah (Knob Twister): 30:27
I don't judge, we're not judging, but that would be an awkward situation, don't you think it wouldn't deadly? It wouldn't be a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 30:36
Well, it could be deadly, Because your wife could be like what the hell did you do Chucking things at?
Mr. Death Hades: 30:41
you.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 30:43
Knives and big iron pots. Yeah, I could see, but punishments are things about which people do not always agree. As hey, that was a very appropriate sentence, and when the princess suddenly felt she was really the man she had pretended to be, she was delighted. She was delighted, absolutely delighted. And if the hermit had only been within reach, she would have thanked him from her heart. She would have given him a big old kiss.
Micah (Knob Twister): 31:16
So much for a deadly curse.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 31:18
Yeah, I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister): 31:20
She'd be high-fiving him.
Dr. Know All: 31:22
This young lady may have had a little gender dysphoria, but it seems like it was resolved without too much emotional trauma.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 31:30
You know, I don't think Dr Noah has really much help at all.
Micah (Knob Twister): 31:34
I was going to say I'm no doctor myself, but I think that I could probably get in a little more depth of the psychology of this story than Mr Dr Noir.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 31:48
Dr Noir, next time we're laying off the honey, whiskey and the Netflix and we're not paying you. No, we're not paying you anyway.
Micah (Knob Twister): 31:57
Oh well, I did cut a check.
Dr. Know All: 32:01
Oh well, I very much appreciate the check and I will sit over here and be quiet from here on out. That's not true, thank, you.
Micah (Knob Twister): 32:08
He talks on the next page. By the time she reached the emperor's court, frontrunners looked a young man all over in the eyes of everyone, and even the mother of the genius would now have had her doubts set at rest. He drew forth the vase from his tunic and held it up to the emperor, saying Mighty Sov.
Micah (Knob Twister): 32:38
Mighty Sovereign, all hail. I have fulfilled this task also, and I hope it is the last you have for me. Let another now take his turn.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 32:51
No one noticed that voice change and the emperor said my, what a deep voice you have now. You went from a southern bell to a steroided out.
Micah (Knob Twister): 33:04
Russian.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 33:06
I am content. Frontiers, replied the emperor, and when I am dead, it is you who will sit upon my throne, For I have yet no son to come after me. But if one has given me and my dearest wish is accomplished, then you shall be his right hand and guide him with your counsels.
Micah (Knob Twister): 33:27
I was very grateful of him.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 33:28
Oh, he's finally said thank you.
Micah (Knob Twister): 33:30
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 33:32
After fourteen impossible tasks.
Micah (Knob Twister): 33:34
That's right. But though the emperor was satisfied, il's pretty cool After 14 impossible tasks, that's right. But though the emperor was satisfied, ilion was not. And she determined to revenge herself on the emperor for the dangers which he had caused frontrunners to run. And as for the vase of holy water, she thought that, in common politeness, her suitor ought to have fetched it himself, I agree which he could have done without any risk at all. What?
Andrea: 34:03
And furthermore, she thought out loud, this would make a fantastic Netflix show and if I were to produce it, it would make me very rich. I don't know if that was part of the story or not, but it's written right there, so would make me very rich, I don't know if that was part of the story or not, but it's written right there so I'll go with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 34:20
So the emperor apparently could have just walked up and asked for it.
Micah (Knob Twister): 34:24
Well, it would have been a long walk, but yeah, I think he probably could have.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 34:30
He said nuns, give me the damn water.
Micah (Knob Twister): 34:33
Well, he is a sultan, right.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 34:35
Well, he's a sovereign and emperor A sovereign and emperor Could have just brought his army behind him, I guess, and said here, give me the water, or I'll just wipe you out and take it. Whatever, I don't know.
Dr. Know All: 34:48
This is another great example where communication could have de-escalated the situation. We must all learn to express our feelings in a healthy manner.
Mr. Death Hades: 34:57
Feelings only muck up the situation. I prefer a clear head, absent of feelings, so that I might keep to the task at hand. Reaping, oh boy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:09
You don't have any feelings, you're dead.
Mr. Death Hades: 35:13
That hurt my feelings.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:26
Duché, just feelings you're dead. That hurt my feelings. Duche, just polish your sight, be quiet. That's not helpful. So she ordered the great bath to be filled with the milk of her mares. Here we go. Where, where was all this milk? I guess in just 100 jars around I guess it was rotting because that that was a long trip to the jordan river well, there wasn't a big field full of ice, apparently, so they could just sit down there, oh yeah, yeah, this the milk was probably, it's still sitting on the ice.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:48
On the ice, uh, I wonder if the horses ever got out no, they're probably all dead.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:53
Now it's only two people that get to live forever, because they killed all the magic horses with the ice. And she begged the emperor to clothe himself in white robes and to enter the bath with her, an invitation he accepted with joy. Then, when both were standing in the milk reaching their their necks, she sent for the horse, which had fought sunlight, and made a secret sign to him oh, this is going to get kinky. This is like horse sign language. The horse understood what he was to do and from one nostril he breathed fresh air over Ilana.
Dr. Know All: 36:32
Oh, I bet that was sweet.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 36:33
Felt good and snotty. And from the other he snorted a burning wind which shriveled up the emperor where he stood, leaving only a heap of ashes. Oh my gosh, that's some nasty horse breath. Whew, Glad he didn't get the nostrils mixed up.
Mr. Death Hades: 36:49
Didn't leave much for me to reap. It's so hard to carve a bash as with a sickle.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 36:56
You don't reap bodies, do you?
Micah (Knob Twister): 36:57
You reap souls, Death you better. Mr, Mr Hades, you better get a dustpan. Might be a good thing to keep in your robes.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 37:06
You better read up on your job description.
Micah (Knob Twister): 37:10
His strange death, which no one could explain, made a great sensation throughout the country, and the funeral his people gave him was the most splendid ever known. Not sure that he deserved it, but Probably not.
Andrea: 37:25
When it was over, Ilyan summoned Fretfreners before her and addressed him thus Thus Fretfreners, it is you who brought me and have saved my life and obeyed my wishes Thus.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 37:54
Weird.
Mr. Death Hades: 37:56
Yes, I will marry.
Micah (Knob Twister): 37:57
You said the young man with a voice almost as soft as when he was a princess, uh-oh.
Micah (Knob Twister): 38:04
Whoops, sorry, yes, I will marry you, but know that in our house it will be the cock who sings and not the hen. Then in our house it will be the cock who sings, and not the hen.
Dr. Know All: 38:22
We took all equality and threw it out the door. Well, that ended on a very terribly sexist note. I'm not sure there's anything I can do to help further here. Where's the?
Micah (Knob Twister): 38:32
honey whiskey. Finally, I agree with you, Dr.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 38:35
Know know all first helpful thing you've said in like 10 pages except that you already drank all the honey whiskey that's true.
Micah (Knob Twister): 38:45
So how does the girl who becomes a man, become the chauvinist pig.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 38:53
What she was? A girl up until the last two pages, and then, all of a sudden, she's a chauvinist. Shut your mouth, wench, it's my rules.
Micah (Knob Twister): 39:04
What Illion might have been better off with the dead emperor.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 39:08
I don't know that could have been such a happy ending. I know.
Micah (Knob Twister): 39:13
Let's just rewrite it. It ended horribly. Let's do it. Let's up yes, I will marry you, said the young man with a voice almost as soft as when he was a princess, and he remembered when he was a princess and how he or she had wanted to be treated right. So he got down on one knee and supplicated himself to his wife or soon-to-be wife where are they married already?
Micah (Knob Twister): 39:40
no his soon-to-be wife and beg that she would love him forever and kissed her toes this is getting gross and I don't know if it needs to be that extreme.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 39:54
Okay, but then they lived as equals, happily ever after.
Micah (Knob Twister): 39:58
High-fiving.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 39:58
And shared all the duties. Yes, and the bank account Took turns wearing pants.
Micah (Knob Twister): 40:05
Yes, and gave each other back massages every other night.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:10
There you go.
Micah (Knob Twister): 40:11
While watching Netflix. That's right, and they also let each other choose movies.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:17
They watched movies that they didn't like. Yes For each other.
Micah (Knob Twister): 40:21
For each other. Compromise the end Bam. We nailed it Boom. That ending was awesome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:32
I'll wear the penalty around here, wench.
Micah (Knob Twister): 40:35
Stop it, dustin. We got rid of that ending, it's so crazy.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:41
I've only been a boy for two days. But listen here, woman. Is it finally over?
Micah (Knob Twister): 40:47
I'd like to thank Mr Death Hades and Dr Knowall for joining us on this incredible three-part journey.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:57
Well, I'd like to not invite Mr Death Hades back because he's creepy and not helpful.
Micah (Knob Twister): 41:04
Well, he also is our health director, so See what good that's doing me.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 41:10
He's trying to kill me.
Micah (Knob Twister): 41:11
He's the head of our human resources department. So Death. I suggest that you just come back on monday ready to work. We've got lots of paperwork for you to uh to uh finger through, or?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 41:27
bone through all the employees that died over the weekend yeah, oh well.
Micah (Knob Twister): 41:33
Um, we might have a lawsuit on our hand if Dr Knowall drives home drunk again, and we'd like to thank you, the listener, for hanging out this long and hearing this great and amazing ending. If you like it, or you have a better ending for us, go to our website at talesofbedlamcom, click on this episode. That would be the girl who wanted to be a boy or something. The girl who pretended to be a boy, part three, and leave a comment. You can leave it as long as you want. You could write a whole new ending. It could be ten pages long and, you know, if it's really really good, we might do a bonus episode with it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 42:17
We'll read it. We'll read the ending. We're not reading this whole story again.
Micah (Knob Twister): 42:21
We will read it and we will make fun of it. Just for you, you're welcome.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 42:26
Very likely to happen.
Micah (Knob Twister): 42:28
So TalesOfBethlehemcom. Like and subscribe. You know what? I've heard both ways, that it helps and it doesn't help, but I don't really care. You know what it would help my ego if you gave me five stars and wrote me a nice review saying hey, you know what SofaSitter and KnobTwister, you guys rock and we love you and hang in there. Okay, good night, bye-bye now. Good night, bye-bye now.
Andrea: 43:00
What a weird story.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:02
I forgot that ending. It was just so abrupt and rude.
Micah (Knob Twister): 43:11
Especially considering that she knows how it is. I mean, she was just bullied around by the Emperor for For 30 pages. Yeah, going on like death defying stunts for this guy dad treated her like a little useless girl and no well, yeah, no, her dad was preparing her I would argue that I think he loved her.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:32
He was saying you won't be able to do it, You're a girl. He never said that he said it to all three of them?
Micah (Knob Twister): 43:39
No, he didn't. He said that they could do what they'd like, and then he challenged them and only one of them passed the tests Prevailed. Prevailed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:53
I kind of remember that, but I don't.
Micah (Knob Twister): 43:57
You remember, he turned into the wolf and then the lion and the dragon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:00
I don't remember what he said to him, though he even had one of his heads cut off.
Micah (Knob Twister): 44:05
Girls. He never said that. He never said that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:11
I wish I had a son, because girls are useless.
Micah (Knob Twister): 44:13
No, he said weird things like birds make honey or some weird thing. Remember he'd say these weird platitudes of what was it? I don't know, I'll never find it. There's like 50 pages here. He had really weird things, so anyway, yeah well.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:36
I agree. Now I'm going to have to go home and watch the Holy.
Micah (Knob Twister): 44:40
Grail. That's a good movie.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:44
It's on one of the streaming things. I can't remember which one it is.
Micah (Knob Twister): 44:47
It's one of the best movies really.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:50
I do have it on DVD, though, just in case it's not streaming at a certain time.
Micah (Knob Twister): 44:55
I guess we could have asked dr noah. He went and researched it remember now he's gone.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 45:00
Uh, there was two weird things.
Micah (Knob Twister): 45:02
He said yeah, he said some odd things I was at the beginning yep, it was. I just don't know where the beginning was, because we threw this down and in a big mess is what we did.