The Girl Who Pretended to be a Boy Part One Transcript

Micah (Knob Twister): 0:00

Is that some good honey whiskey.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:04

It's not got any honey in it. They made this one a little stronger.

Micah (Knob Twister): 0:09

Welcome to Tales of Bedlam. I'm your host.

Mr. Death Hades: 0:12

Knob Twister, I am you shall not be named ever again.

Micah (Knob Twister): 0:19

Oh, you're sounding like death.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:21

Death can suck it. Herd, you're back. I invited you again.

Micah (Knob Twister): 0:27

Welcome back. Part two of the Girl who Pretended to Be a Boy. We will be joined again by world-renowned psychiatrist Dr Knowall.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:40

And for some reason, mr Death Hades is apparently not enough to do nowadays. Hello, just sit down, please.

Micah (Knob Twister): 0:50

Dustin, we have a long story ahead of us with lots of commentary. Will you get us started please?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 0:58

I will kick this horse in the butt.

Micah (Knob Twister): 1:01

Nice.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:02

The Princess Road, on and on. Do we need a recap? If you need a recap, just go back and listen to the last episode.

Micah (Knob Twister): 1:09

Oh, if you're listening to this and you haven't listened to part one, you're going to be sorely confused. Go back and listen to part one first.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:18

Yeah. So let's just say where we left off the Princess won. Wait, we left off, the princess won.

Micah (Knob Twister): 1:26

Wait, we gotta go further back than that.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 1:28

No, we don't.

Micah (Knob Twister): 1:28

Yes, because her father is an emperor of a country, but he's getting too old and tired to take care of the country, so he wants to go ahead and surrender to the bigger emperor who lives next door. But that bigger emperor requires a son to give 12 years of service in order to for him to surrender to him. He has no sons. He only has three daughters. The first two failed at the task that he put before them, which was to cross the copper bridge, where he became a wolf and scared them away. But the third daughter she, won. She went across the bridge despite her father looking like a wolf. Then her father created another bridge of gold and became a 12-headed dragon. And she defeated the dragon after hours of fighting and cut one of its heads off. And the father's like you are awesome, I love you. You're going to be a great boy. Go out into the world and win.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:26

That was a lovely sum up, I'd have to say. The only thing you forgot was the weird horse.

Micah (Knob Twister): 2:32

Oh yeah, the talking horse.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:35

And there's a talking wise horse who's also a magician.

Micah (Knob Twister): 2:39

The talking horse is also a magician and is an amateur beatboxer.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:44

Now you're all caught up, but go listen to the first episode anyway. So the princess rode on and on till at last she came to the mountains which hold up the roof of the world.

Micah (Knob Twister): 2:56

What.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 2:57

Yeah, are these flat earthers?

Micah (Knob Twister): 2:59

This is a flat earth.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:00

Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not down with that.

Micah (Knob Twister): 3:03

Flat earth.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:05

There she met two geniuses, and in some mythologies a genius was thought to be a guardian spirit. Ah, not a really smart person.

Micah (Knob Twister): 3:18

A powerful creature.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:20

When I read that I thought it was like two Albert Einsteins sitting on the side of the road.

Micah (Knob Twister): 3:27

Slapping each other.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:29

This is more like a genie than a genius. Anyway, she met two genii, okay, who had been fighting fiercely for two years.

Micah (Knob Twister): 3:40

What.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 3:41

Without one having got the least advantage over the other? What Without one having got the?

Micah (Knob Twister): 3:44

least advantage over the other, seeing what they took to be a young man seeking adventures, one of the combatants called out Fit fair nurse, deliver me from my enemy and I will give you the horn that can be heard the distance of three days journey.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:04

What would you do with a horn like?

Micah (Knob Twister): 4:06

that.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:06

Blow people's eardrums out. Yeah you could blow the horn and three days later somebody would hear you what? No, that meant if you blew the horn, they could hear it. If they were three days away, what?

Micah (Knob Twister): 4:21

I like my way better.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:25

It's a delayed horn. It seems useless either way. Well, the other cried but front horse, help me to conquer this pagan thief and you shall have my horse.

Micah (Knob Twister): 4:41

Sunlight. Before answering, the princess consulted her own horse as to which offer she should accept, and he advised her to side with the genius who was master of sunlight? Oh yeah, his own younger brother.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 4:59

What Twist.

Micah (Knob Twister): 5:01

And still more active than himself.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:03

Oh, I can hardly believe it. So the girl at once attacked the other genius and soon clove his skull. Why would she have to be so violent? Then, the one who has left Victor begged her to come back with him, to his horse, to his house, and he would hand over sunlight, as he had promised.

Mr. Death Hades: 5:28

Huzzah, a head cleaving, that nut was cracked.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:36

It really never ends with you, does it?

Mr. Death Hades: 5:39

It goes on and on and on Okay. Time never ends.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 5:47

Oh, you're getting a little wacky with the sickle again. Sit down, take a deep breath. Jeez, can I continue the story now, please do? The mother of the genius was rejoiced to see her son return safe and sound and prepared her best room for the princess who, after so much fatigue, needed rest badly, as one does after fatigue.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:15

After cleaving heads yeah, it's tiring work, I hear, but the girl declared that she must first make her horse comfortable in his stable. But this was really only an excuse, as she wanted to ask his advice on several matters and binge-watch. Their favorite Netflix show Was her iPad in the list of things she packed. I don't remember that.

Micah (Knob Twister): 6:38

Well, the horse is a magical unicorn.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:42

So she just types the password into his butt.

Micah (Knob Twister): 6:44

Yes.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 6:45

And then, it comes out his mouth on a projector.

Micah (Knob Twister): 6:47

It's unfortunate. You have to hold the tail up, wow, the entire time. Stop, it's like a switch. But the old woman had suspected from the very first that the boy who had come to the rescue of her son was a girl in disguise.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:07

Why would she suspect?

Micah (Knob Twister): 7:08

that. No, I'd like to think that I would suspect it also Kind of hard for a female to oh yep.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:20

We're going down that road, are ya?

Micah (Knob Twister): 7:23

And told the genius that she was exactly the wife he needed.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 7:30

Oh, she wanted him to have a wife.

Micah (Knob Twister): 7:32

The genius scoffed and inquired what female hand could ever wield a saber like that Sex? As much male hand could ever wield a saber like that Sexist much. But in spite of his sneers, his mother persisted and, as a proof of what she said, laid at night on each of their pillows a handful of magic flowers. So much magic, it's just everywhere that fade at the touch of man. What's some weird magic flowers, but remain eternally fresh in the fingers of a woman.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:11

What use would those flowers be other than this very specific instance?

Micah (Knob Twister): 8:16

Well, you could give them to your wife. You just would have to wear a glove to hand them to her.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 8:21

Yeah, and hope that they don't wither, whoops.

Dr. Know All: 8:25

Oh, oh, yes, hope that they don't wither Whoops. Oh, oh. Yes, I have a little concern about the overbearing mother here. This can lead to some severe antisocial and possibly psychopathic behavior. We can see some of this coming out already with the blatant sexism of this genius.

Micah (Knob Twister): 8:41

Hmm, I agree, there's a lot of sexism in this, too bad. There just wasn't a lot of sex. Wow, it was very clever of her, but unluckily the horse had warned the princess what to expect and when the house was silent the horse quietly beatboxed the Mission Impossible theme as she stole very softly to the geniuses room. And exchanged his faded flowers for those she held. Then she crept back to her own bed and fell fast asleep.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:23

Why did she just not touch them?

Micah (Knob Twister): 9:28

That's a good point I don't understand.

Micah (Knob Twister): 9:31

Well, I guess it would be more believable if the genius's mother came in the next day and she was she was holding them.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 9:41

They'd fade.

Micah (Knob Twister): 9:42

So she just moved them. Well no, because his had already faded. So now she's holding them and they'd fade. So she just moved them. Well no, because his had already faded. So now she's holding them and they've already been faded. So she had to get the geniuses' flowers. Oh, she needed the faded flowers yeah she needed the male Because he had already touched them, I guess, and they've already faded she needed the faded ones.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:01

Alright, I get it. I got it. Now I get this weird ruse with the magic flowers. I don't approve of it, but I get it. At break of day, the old woman ran to see her son and found, as she knew she would, a bunch of dead flowers in his hand. What, woo-hoo? Yay, she is a boy, great. She next passed on to the bedside of the princess, who still lay asleep grasping the withered flowers. Man, my tongue doesn't work.

Micah (Knob Twister): 10:38

There's so much magic in this. They might as well be wizard flowers.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 10:44

Why don't the people have useful magic? But she did not believe any the more that her guest was a man, and so she told her son. So they put their heads together and laid another trap for her.

Micah (Knob Twister): 10:58

So now, all of a sudden, the son's on board I think he just got to do what mommy says, Even though he's a great and mighty genius. Wow, After breakfast, the genius gave his arm to his guest and asked her to come with him into the garden. For some time they walked about looking at the flowers, the genius all the while pressing her to pick any she fancied. But the princess, suspecting a trap, inquired roughly why they were wasting precious hours in the garden when, as men, they should be in the stables looking after their horses and gawking at the lady's ankles.

Micah (Knob Twister): 11:42

Then the genius told his mother that she was quite wrong and his deliverer was certainly a man. But the old woman was not convinced of all that.

Dr. Know All: 11:56

All this pretense seems unnecessary. I fear it will lead to a skewed world view. I think it's time for some of that honey whiskey, I agree.

Micah (Knob Twister): 12:05

Dr Noel, thank you.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:07

Never has a truer thing been said.

Micah (Knob Twister): 12:11

She would try once more, she said, and her son must lead his visitor into the armory where hung every kind of weapon used all the world, some playing and bear, others ornamented with precious stones, and begged her to make a choice of one of them.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:31

This is a terribly sexist story Because, uh, what I'll just tell you right now, I've been picking the crap out of the flowers and I don't give a crap about any of the weapons in the room, and I'm a man, so I fail the test.

Micah (Knob Twister): 12:49

I don't understand why you're picking crap out of flowers.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 12:53

I would pick the crap out of flowers.

Micah (Knob Twister): 12:55

Somebody's walking me through a garden and said why is there crap on flowers to begin with?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:00

Oh, it's just a figure of speech. You're not getting my Making my point. This is a sexist story.

Micah (Knob Twister): 13:08

I agree, it's just full of stereotypes. But we're gonna shatter those stereotypes yes, we are. Right, right, dr Knowall.

Dr. Know All: 13:17

I'm very much enjoying this honey whiskey and I don't feel that I need to comment at this time.

Micah (Knob Twister): 13:23

What are we paying him, for we're paying him.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:27

Yes, I thought he was a guest.

Micah (Knob Twister): 13:30

You're cut off A paid guest.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 13:33

I'm not paying him. The princess looked closely. The princess looked at them closely and felt the edges and points of their blades. And felt the edges and points of their blades. Then she hung at her belt an old sword with a curved blade that would have done credit to an ancient warrior. After this, she informed the genius that she would start early the next day and take sunlight with her.

Mr. Death Hades: 13:56

I wonder if there was a sickle. I prefer the sickle. Its uses are innumerable To reap souls and wheat to make my bread.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:09

I can't believe. I don't know what to say to you, but you need to put that thing down in the room before you hurt somebody.

Micah (Knob Twister): 14:20

So this is like soul bread.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:23

Soul bread. Don't encourage him.

Micah (Knob Twister): 14:27

I might want to try that. It might be the secret ingredient to everlasting life.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:35

Oh my gosh, why don't you two get a room to discuss soul bread?

Mr. Death Hades: 14:41

It is delicious.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:43

Oh my god.

Micah (Knob Twister): 14:45

Surely we can move on, and there was nothing for the mother to do but to submit, though she still stuck to her own opinion.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 14:54

As women do, whoa.

Micah (Knob Twister): 14:58

Wow, now you're being sexist.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:01

I had to throw it in there. Is it sexist? If it's the truth, though we don't, I apologize. The princess mounted sunlight and touched him with her spur when the old horse who was galloping at her side suddenly said Up to this time, mistress. You have obeyed my counsels and all has gone well. Listen to me once more and do what I tell you. I am old, and now there is someone to take my place.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 15:39

I will confess it, I'm afraid, that my strength is not equal to the task that lies before me. Give me my leave, therefore, to return home, and you continue your journey under the care of my brother, put your faith in him, as you put it, in me, and you will never be sorry. Wisdom has come early to sunlight.

Micah (Knob Twister): 16:12

Yes, my friend, you have served me well, and it is only through your help that, up to now, I have been victorious. So grieved though I am to say farewell, I might have the vapors, I will obey you yet once more and will listen to your brother as I would to yourself. Only I must have proof that he loves me as well as you do.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 16:43

Why are all these people improving everything? Jiminy Christmas? Oh, I gotta do a different horse's voice. Now it's a younger one, right?

Micah (Knob Twister): 16:56

And more lively. His name is Sunlight.

Micah (Knob Twister): 17:01

How should I not love you?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 17:04

Answered Sunlight. How should I not be proud to serve as a warder? Not love you? Answered Sunlight.

Micah (Knob Twister): 17:06

How should I not be proud to serve a warrior such as you?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 17:10

Trust me, mistress, and you shall never regret the absence of my brother. I know there will be difficulties in our path, but we will face them together Wow. Wow, nice.

Micah (Knob Twister): 17:28

That was beautiful, Dr Nowell. It looks like you have something to say.

Dr. Know All: 17:34

I'm surprised at the maturity and presence of the mind the young lady shows here. Despite her questionable upbringing and possible dracophobia, she seems well-adjusted.

Micah (Knob Twister): 17:48

Then, with tears in her eyes, the princess took leave of her old horse, who began to beatbox the main score from the Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 17:58

I don't even know that one.

Micah (Knob Twister): 17:59

She had ridden only a few miles further when she saw a golden curl lying on the road before her Checking her horse, she asked whether it would be better to take it or let it lie.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:13

A golden curl. Oh, I remember Tear Shh. Sorry, gosh Spoiler. If you take it, said sunlight, you will be sorry, and if you don't, you'll be sorry as well.

Micah (Knob Twister): 18:33

So take it.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 18:37

That was the dumbest advice I ever heard. If you take it, you'll be sorry. If you don't take it, you'll be sorry, Yep. If you take it, you'll be sorry. If you don't take it, you'll be sorry, yep. On this. The girl dismounted and picking up the curl wound it around her neck for safety.

Micah (Knob Twister): 18:54

That was a long curl. They passed by hills, they passed by mountains, they passed through valleys, leaving behind them thick forests and fields covered with flowers that she didn't stop to pick, apparently, and at where she's got a part to play now. And at length they reached the court of the Overlord.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:18

It's an awfully long ways away. Oh, is he sleeping? Oh shh, just let him be, it's fine, you just take your nap over there. Grab his sickle.

Micah (Knob Twister): 19:39

Mr Death Hades is sleeping.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:43

Get a sickle while he's sleeping.

Mr. Death Hades: 19:47

We have like ten pages left. This is the longest story we've ever done. Oh my god.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 19:53

Where are they? What? Okay, they're going to the Overlord. He was sitting on his throne, surrounded by the sons of the other emperors who served him as pages, surrounded by the sons of the other emperors who served him as pages. These youths came forward to greet their new companion and wondered why they felt so attracted to him.

Micah (Knob Twister): 20:12

That's a good looking boy.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 20:13

What the crap is going on? Could they just smell the pheromones on her? However, there was no time for talking and concealing her fright. The princess was led straight to the throne and explained in a low voice the reasoning of her coming. The emperor received her kindly and declared himself fortunate in finding a vassal so brave and so charming and begged the princess to remain in attendance on his person.

Micah (Knob Twister): 20:42

She was, however, very careful in her behavior towards the other pages whose way of life did not please her. One day, however, she had been amusing herself by making sweet meats. When two of the young princes looked in to pay her a visit, she offered them some of the food which was already on the table, and they thought it so delicious that they even licked their fingers so as not to lose a morsel. Of course, they did not keep the news of their discovery to themselves, but told all their companions that they had just been enjoying the best supper they had had since they were born.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:26

When did she learn to do all this cooking?

Micah (Knob Twister): 21:28

Because she was barely out of her. She's a girl. Wow, I can't rightly say that, because up until recently I did all the cooking here in my house. I still do all the cooking. No, my wife has become an excellent cook. Anyways, boys can cook too. Where were we?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 21:54

at Boys cook better what Since they were born.

Micah (Knob Twister): 22:00

Since they were born, and from that moment the princess had had no peace, oh no, until she had promised to cook them all a dinner Movie night at the Overlord's castle.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:14

Dinner and a movie night.

Micah (Knob Twister): 22:16

Nice, I bet Netflix is involved.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:21

Netflix better be writing us a big fat. Check is involved. That's better. We're writing us a big fat check Humblefried.

Dr. Know All: 22:28

this is quite sexist. I'm sure the only girl in the palace wasn't the only one who could cook. These antiquated gender stereotypes must not be tolerated. Where is that honey whiskey?

Micah (Knob Twister): 22:42

I could use some more honey whiskey and I would agree, Because this is a very sexist story.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 22:50

Are we just paying him to drink?

Micah (Knob Twister): 22:52

I think so, and he's drinking our whiskey Now. It happened that on the very next day, all the cooks in the palace became intoxicated.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:05

Nice.

Micah (Knob Twister): 23:06

And there was no one to make up the fire.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:09

They were too drunk to light a fire.

Micah (Knob Twister): 23:11

That's a lot of honey whiskey. When the pages heard of this shocking state of things, they went to their companion and implored her to come to the rescue so she could light the fire and cook, apparently. And cook some sweet meat, mmm, sweet meats.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:33

The princess was fond of cooking and was, besides, a very good-natured person, so she put on an apron and went down to the kitchen without delaying. Put on an apron, it's getting weird.

Micah (Knob Twister): 23:47

Well, chefs wear aprons. True that.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 23:52

When the dinner was placed before, the emperor found it so nice that he ate much more than was good for him. Clutton.

Micah (Knob Twister): 24:00

We do that often.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:02

I don't anymore. The next morning, as he woke woke, he sent for his head cook and told him to send up the same dishes as before. The cook seized with fright at this command, which he knew he could not fulfill, fell on his knees and confessed the truth.

Mr. Death Hades: 24:23

Did someone speak of an execution?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 24:26

Oh, it's been so peaceful. You just go back to sleep. Nobody's dying here.

Micah (Knob Twister): 24:31

The emperor was so astonished that he forgot to cry.

Mr. Death Hades: 24:34

Off with his head.

Micah (Knob Twister): 24:36

What. And while he was thinking over the matter, some of the pages came in and said that their new companion had been heard to boast that he knew where Ilion was to be found. The celebrated Ilion of Song which begins.

Micah (Knob Twister): 24:54

Oh God, it's time to get sexy. In the yarn of the curling hair, the laughing teeth and the bashful air, our bridal morn is dawning fair. Golden hair, golden hair. In the yarn of the golden hair, golden hair, golden hair, ilium of the golden hair, golden hair, golden hair Ilium. Wake, a billion of the grown Wake, trembling, stainless virgin dove. Wake nestling in a parent's love. Wake nestling in a parent's love. Golden hair, golden hair In the yarn of the golden hair. Golden hair, golden hair.

Micah (Knob Twister): 25:55

In the yarn.

Micah (Knob Twister): 25:58

I'm no stranger proud and gay To win thee from your home away and find thee for a distant day.

Micah (Knob Twister): 26:11

And yet to see what love can do Through calm. My hope is burned and true. My cheek is pale and warm for you, my eyes are sunk in two. Ooh oh, golden hair, golden hair, in the yarn of the golden hair. Golden hair, golden hair, you're the yarn of the golden hair. Golden hair, golden hair, you're the yarn. But soon my love shall be my bride, and happy by our fireside. My vein shall feel thy rosy tide, the lingering hope denies Vang shall feel thy rosy tide, the lingering holy night.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 27:09

This is painful. Oh, is that the end of?

Micah (Knob Twister): 27:11

it and that, to their certain knowledge, he had a curl of her hair in his possession.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 27:21

Oh, now the curl. Hmm, how do they know it was her curl? Oh, now the curl. How did they know it was her curl? This?

Micah (Knob Twister): 27:30

seems very abrupt. I guess there's only one golden-haired woman in the world at this time, and her name is Illion.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 27:38

So he was going to have people executed for the meal thing, and then just out of nowhere oh, by the way, it just seems very abrupt. I guess the story didn't need to be well 60 pages long obviously due to that amazing song.

Micah (Knob Twister): 27:57

Ilion was a very well-known princess and he's it piqued the emperor's, his interest. He's like, hey, I want to check this golden haired, goddess out well, who doesn't?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 28:13

I don't know. Are we close? No, we're not even close no, we still have like six pages.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 28:23

When heard that the emperor desired the page to be brought before him, and as soon as the princess obeyed his summons, he said to her abruptly Britfroners, you have hidden from me the fact that you knew the golden hair of the Iliad. Why did you do this? I have treated you more kindly than all my other pages. Then, after making the princess show him the golden curl which she wore around her neck, he added Listen to me. Unless, by some means or other, you bring me the owner of this lock, I will have your head cut off in the place where you stand Now go.

Mr. Death Hades: 29:02

Huzzah, I knew there was going to be an execution.

Dr. Know All: 29:08

Mr Death, do you want to try some of this whiskey? It could calm you down a bit. Normally, I'd recommend a good antipsychotic medication, but it seems they are in short supply around here.

Mr. Death Hades: 29:19

How would you like to meet my sickle? Then I might drink this whiskey from your skull, ugh.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:26

What did we tell you about threatening the guest Death? Settle down. I'm sorry. You're always sorry.

Micah (Knob Twister): 29:35

In vain. The poor girl tried to explain how the lock of hair came into her possession. The emperor would listen to nothing and, bowing low, she left his presence and went to consult sunlight. Oh great.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 29:54

The happy horse again. At his first words she brightened up.

Micah (Knob Twister): 30:01

Do not be afraid mistress.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 30:05

Only last night my brother appeared to me in a dream With the sick beatbox beat take from the movie Inception you have problems. He planted the idea into my subconscious that the genius had carried off. Illion, whose hair you picked up on the road.

Micah (Knob Twister): 30:33

But Illion declares that before she marries her captor, he must bring her as a present the whole stud mares which belong to her.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 30:50

This is so much. The genius have crazy with love, things of nothing, night and day, but how this can be done, and meanwhile she is quite safe in the island swamps of the sea Go back to the emperor and ask him for twenty ships filled with precious merchandise.

Micah (Knob Twister): 31:19

The rest, you shall know by and by.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 31:25

Now my throat hurts.

Micah (Knob Twister): 31:26

Very good, very, very well done.

Dr. Know All: 31:29

Now, that is very interesting. Dreams can be a window into the soul. I think this horse's mother may have weaned him a little late.

Micah (Knob Twister): 31:39

On hearing this advice, the princess went at once into the emperor's presence.

Micah (Knob Twister): 31:44

May a long life be yours. She's pretending to be a poet.

Micah (Knob Twister): 31:48

Oh, sovereign almighty. She's trying to be a poet, I know, but you're reading it in a southern girl's voice. And she's pretending to be a boy, oh boy. So oh, sovereign almighty, she said, said she. I have come to tell you that I can do as you command If you will give me my 20 ships and a load.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 32:27

You kidding me.

Micah (Knob Twister): 32:34

Oh.

Micah (Knob Twister): 32:40

I gotta uncompose myself and load them with the most precious wares in your kingdom.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 32:48

You shall have all that I possess if you will bring me the golden-haired alien, said the emperor. The ships were soon ready and the princess entered the largest and finest, with sunlight at her side. Then the sails were spread and the voyage began. For seven weeks the wind blew them straight towards the west, and early one morning they caught sight of the island's swamps of the sea they cast anchor in a little bay and the princess made haste to disembark with sunlight.

Micah (Knob Twister): 33:22

But before the ship she tied to her belt a pair of tiny golden slippers adorned with precious stones.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 33:30

Right, well, why wouldn't you?

Micah (Knob Twister): 33:32

Why wouldn't you adorn them with precious stones? Why would you put them on your belt? I don't have an answer for that. Then, mounting sunlight, she rode about till she came to Several palaces Built on hinges so that they could Always turn towards the sun.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 33:54

I can't even wrap my head around that and I don't even want to think about it.

Micah (Knob Twister): 33:58

I think it's a great idea. The most splendid of these was guarded by Three slaves Whose greedy eyes were caught by the glistening gold of the slippers.

Dr. Know All: 34:09

There, you go.

Micah (Knob Twister): 34:11

They hastened up to the owner of these treasures and inquired who she was, he was, he was, oh, a merchant, replied the princess who had somehow missed his road and lost himself among the island swamps of the sea. This is a pretty sexy sounding boy, it's cheapy.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 34:37

I just can't, I'm not, I'm not going there, not knowing if it was proper to receive him or not. The slaves returned to their mistress and told her all they had seen, but not before she had caught sight of the merchant from the roof of her palace. Luckily, her jailer was away.

Micah (Knob Twister): 34:56

Luckily, that was pure luck.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 34:59

Always trying to catch the stud of mares.

Micah (Knob Twister): 35:02

Huh.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:03

With nothing better to do, apparently. So for the moment she was free and alone, but she wants her stud of mares. Who doesn't want a stud of mares?

Micah (Knob Twister): 35:15

Well, remember, that's what she's requiring for the genius to marry her or the prince to marry her. Oh right, that's why our princess is there to acquire her. And oh, that's foretelling Sorry.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:32

Stop spoiling.

Dr. Know All: 35:35

I'm very confused. This story is causing me undue stress. I might need a little rest.

Mr. Death Hades: 35:41

You can come over here and lay with me and my sickle.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 35:45

Okay, that's it. You need to go take a break and just go outside for a little bit and lie down. I don't know what you do, but try not to kill anything on your way out.

Mr. Death Hades: 35:58

I'll have some rest.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 36:00

Yes, you will Behave yourself.

Micah (Knob Twister): 36:04

The slaves told their tale so well that their mistress insisted on going down to the shore and seeing the beautiful slippers for herself. They were even lovelier than she expected, and when the merchant besought her to come on board inspect some that he thought was finer still, her curiosity was too great to refuse and she went once on board the ship.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 36:30

She was so busy turning over all the precious things stored there that she never knew the sails were spread and they were flying along with the wind behind them. And when she did know, she rejoiced in her heart, though she pretended to weep and lament at being carried captive a second time. Thus they arrived at the court of the emperor.

Micah (Knob Twister): 36:51

I guess she assumed that her second captor was better than the first. They were just about to land when the mother of the genius stood before them.

Micah (Knob Twister): 37:02

She had learned that Ilion had fled from her prison in company with a merchant, and as her son was absent because he was the jailer, Right looking for the stud of mares, had come herself in pursuit, striding over the blue waters, hopping from wave to wave, one foot reaching to heaven and the other planted in the foam. She was close to their heels, breathing fire and flame, when they stepped on shore from the ship.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 37:36

Wow, she's crazy. One glance told Ilion who the horrible old woman was, and she whispered hastily to her companion. Without saying a word, the princess swung into sunlight's saddle and, leaping up behind her, they were off like a flash. Ah, bazing. It was not till they drew near the town that the princess stooped and asked sunlight what they should do. Oh great.

Micah (Knob Twister): 38:09

Put your hand into my left ear said he what?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 38:15

Put your hand into my ear.

Micah (Knob Twister): 38:17

And take out a sharp stone which he must throw behind you.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 38:23

Logical that's a horse just keeps sharp stones in his ear.

Micah (Knob Twister): 38:27

The princess did as she was told, and a huge mountain sprang up behind them. Yeah, the mother of the genius began to climb up it, and though they galloped quickly, she was quicker still.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 38:41

Ah, magic horses, I forgot. They heard her coming faster, faster, and again the princess stooped To ask what was to be done now.

Micah (Knob Twister): 38:52

Put your hand Into my right ear Said the horse. And throw the brush you find there behind you.

Micah (Knob Twister): 39:00

Hmm.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 39:02

She got stones in one ear and brush in the other ear. Okay, the princess did so, and a great forest sprang up behind them, and so thick were its leaves that even a wren could not get through.

Micah (Knob Twister): 39:14

The wren is a small bird, whoa, but the old woman seized hold of the branches and flung herself like a monkey from one to the others and always she drew nearer. Always, always. Like a monkey Till their hair was singed by the flames of her monkey mouth.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 39:36

It doesn't say that Monkey mouth. It doesn't say that. It doesn't say monkey mouth. What? How do Romanians know about monkeys? That is a very good point. No, monkeys in Romania oh.

Dr. Know All: 39:53

Flung herself like a monkey.

Micah (Knob Twister): 39:56

Uh-huh.

Dr. Know All: 39:58

I'm not sure what condition that would predicate. I think perhaps this could be a symptom of bipolar mania. I'm going to need my research books and another drink.

Micah (Knob Twister): 40:10

More to drink? Huh, Of course you do.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:13

You've been a lot of help. He's already drank a couple bottles then, in despair, the princess again bent down and asked if there was nothing more to be done, and sunlight replied quick quick, take off the patrol, the ring on the finger of alien and throw it behind you.

Micah (Knob Twister): 40:37

Hmm, I forgot that Ilion was on the horse too.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 40:40

That's weird, yeah, but that makes sense. This is all just weird stuff.

Micah (Knob Twister): 40:44

This time there sprung up a great tower of stone, smooth as ivory, hard as steel, which reached up to heaven itself, and the mother of the genius gave a howl of rage, knowing that she could neither climb it nor get through it, but didn't think to go around it.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 41:13

Why would you?

Micah (Knob Twister): 41:15

She was beaten. But she was not beaten yet and, gathering herself together, she made a prestigious leap. How about a prodigious leap? A prodigious leap which landed her on top of the tower? Whoa, I thought she couldn't get over it. No, she didn't get over it. She got on top of it Pretty dang close, right in the middle of Illion's ring, uh-oh, which lay there and held her tight.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 41:44

Oh, magic ring.

Micah (Knob Twister): 41:46

Only her claws could be seen grasping the battlements.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 41:50

Holy crap, what is going on? Mother genius, all that could be done the old witch did With the fire that poured from her mouth never reached the fugitives, though it laid waste, the country, the country. A hundred miles around the tower, she had some nasty breath, wow. She made a tic-tac Like the flames of a volcano. Then, with one last effort to free herself, her hands gave way and, falling down to the bottom of the tower, she was broken in pieces.

Mr. Death Hades: 42:28

Oh yeah, volcano, fire and broken witches that's what I'm talking about.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 42:36

Oh, you can't even imagine how glad we are that you're back.

Micah (Knob Twister): 42:40

I am. I think you offer a lot to this humble group of folklore telling geeks.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 42:52

No, you don't offer anything but drooling over things that die. But it's volcano fire. Well, true that Just sit and don't touch your sickle. When the flying princess saw what happened? When the flying princess Flying, she's flying.

Micah (Knob Twister): 43:15

She's running away quickly.

Micah (Knob Twister): 43:17

She's flying.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:17

Yeah, I think that's what they meant right when the flying princess saw what had happened, she rode back to the spot as sunlight counseled her and placed her finger on top of the tower. That's a long reach up to heaven it took a prodigious leap to get to it the first time.

Micah (Knob Twister): 43:35

Maybe she was flying. She had to have been flying. Maybe this horse is a magician too. I mean, he's pulling things from his ears. Maybe he can also fly.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:47

We have to read what's after the comma.

Micah (Knob Twister): 43:49

Oh.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 43:50

Which was gradually shrinking into the earth, so it was getting smaller. Oh, oh oh. We didn't read ahead in an instant. The tower had vanished as if it never had been, and in its place was the finger of the princess with a ring around it that was a lot to take in.

Micah (Knob Twister): 44:10

We're gonna have to take a break here again and be back with the conclusion next time is it 28 more pages? No, just 10 more. We're getting there. We're getting there, Dr Knowall. Any final thoughts?

Dr. Know All: 44:27

They must take this time to reflect and perhaps catch up on a little Netflix binging and you're out of whiskey. Mr Death, are you coming over?

Mr. Death Hades: 44:38

I will be there shortly after midnight. I will bring chicken wings with blood sauce.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 44:44

Oh, okay, you two have a wonderful evening together and I don't want to hear about any of it. I hope you have a beautiful life and many children.

Micah (Knob Twister): 44:57

So Princess has gotten away. She's going to deliver Ilion to the prince.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 45:04

I have no idea what's going to happen?

Micah (Knob Twister): 45:05

Will Ilion the golden haired? Will she marry the prince? What's going to happen to our princess, who's pretending to be a boy? Will she have to pretend forever?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 45:19

princess who's pretending to be a boy. Will she have to pretend forever? Was this some weird like tune in next week? That's right for the exciting conclusion of the girl who pretended to be a boy.

Micah (Knob Twister): 45:26

Part three. Our final conclusion we don't know or shadow, but in the go to our website at TalesOfBedlamcom and leave comments on this episode. Do it now. Good night, bye. Holy crap, 50 minutes. How was that one? 20 minutes longer than the last one?

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 46:19

I don't know, it was all the extra whiskey, I think.

Micah (Knob Twister): 46:24

I mean I made a lot of mistakes so I'll probably get cut down another 10 minutes, but that's a long one. Yeah, we didn't split that up very well, I don't know Just more words in those 10 pages than the first ten pages.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 46:39

Was it ten and ten? Yeah, it's split ten ten and ten.

Micah (Knob Twister): 46:43

Well, it was like ten and a half on this one, and the last one has nine and a half.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 46:49

I don't know, but still you were singing and I had to do the horse voice over and over.

Micah (Knob Twister): 46:54

And we added a lot of extra stuff that wasn't on the strip but next week's gonna be awesome, or next time.

Dustin (Sofa Sitter): 47:05

Tune in next time, as we see whether the princess marries Iliad or the emperor.