Children with One Eye Transcript
Micah (Knob Twister)Host00:07
Welcome to Tales of Bedlam, a fairy tale, audio comedy. Host introduction.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host00:12
No, I'm not reading that.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host00:14
What? Sorry. I'm your host, Micah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host00:18
I'm a dub-a-dub-a-dub-a Forgot who I was.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host00:22
Okay, let's start again. I'm your host, Knob Twister.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host00:27
Oh, we're using our made-up names. Today I'm a sofa sitter.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host00:31
Every Thursday we will present to you another hand-picked fairy tale from a different time, place and culture.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host00:38
Add dimension on the next one. Yeah.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host00:41
At Tales of Bedlam, we are grateful for you, the listener. We do like you a lot. Let us know how we are doing. Leave a comment on Facebook, twitter or our website at talesofbedlamcom and Micah will robotically answer it Robotically. And if you think that SofaSitter's amazing I am amazing then the best way to help us is to leave a five-star review wherever you're listening. Yeah, it really does help others find us. Yeah, it does, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. If that is not enough, then you can purchase some swag. Swag, support our podcast habit while becoming a walking billboard for us.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host01:23
And we'll buy Micah some enunciation books.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host01:27
Sounds good. An ABC book please. Abc Today's tale.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host01:36
I got that reference Is a Canadian fairy tale Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host01:39
We are going to read the entire tale while ending every sentence with eh. To read the entire tale while ending every sentence with Eh. No, we are not. This tale is called the Children with One Eye.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host01:50
That's weirdly Canadian. Is this just a super nice story? Maybe the Canadians are just super nice.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host01:58
Hmm, or it could just be children that are always playing hockey and they shot their eye out with the puck. That would be the Children with One.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host02:03
Tooth. All right, go ahead, dustin. Just be children that are always playing hockey and they shot their eye out with the puck. That would be the children with one tooth. All right, go ahead dustin the children plural with one eye. Did all the children share an eye? I don't like the way it's starting. Did all the children have a single eye or did each child have one?
Micah (Knob Twister)Host02:22
eye. I think you're gonna have to read the story to find out.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host02:25
I'm dropping stuff okay, sorry to get hung up on the title, but here we go, two little children a boy and a girl. That's a good way to do. Them lived long ago with their widowed mother. That means their dad died in the just clarifying Canadian forest. Well, that didn't narrow it down. The whole of Canada is a forest. Eh, eh, we're going to just make Canadians mad. The woman was very poor, for her husband had long been dead.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host03:00
Okay, and she had to-.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host03:02
Belabor the point, man, I think widowed. We covered that and she had to work very hard to provide food for herself and her children. Often she had to go far from home in search of fish and game and at times she was absent for many days.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host03:19
Ruh-roh, when she went on these long journeys, she left her children behind her, and thus they were allowed to grow up with very little oversight or discipline or care. Ruh-roh, they soon became very unruly because they were so often left by themselves, and when their mother returned from her hunting trips, she frequently found that they would not obey her. Uh-oh, and they did pretty much as they pleased Well that's what happens when you leave children unsupervised.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host03:54
Not a big mystery.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host03:56
What do you call them, latchkey kids? I don't know. I don't know what that means Were you ever a latchkey kid? I'm not a millennial, oh, I was. I had to come home. My mom was at work, so we had our own keys to get in.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host04:10
Yeah, yeah, I was pretty much that.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host04:13
Okay, yes, he was pretty much that.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host04:16
But I wasn't unruly. Well, that's not entirely true, anyway.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host04:21
Anyway, I feel like I'm not Feel like making love, Not to me. Whoa, that took a weird turn. As they grew older, more headstrong and disobedient, their mother could do very little to control them and she said someday they will suffer for their waywardness. Oh no, so they were teenagers.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host04:46
Yeah, well, I can see where this is going. It seems awfully mean just to poke their eyes out. One day the woman went to visit a neighbor not far away. Maybe she should have stayed at home that day. She left a large pot of what? Oh, bear fat. I thought it said beer fat. She left a large pot of bear fat boiling on the fire. That doesn't sound delicious.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host05:14
And she said to the children that's you I know, but I'm just, I'm captivated with the thought of boiling a large pot of bear fat. What would the purpose of that be?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host05:29
It's delicious, bear fat Fat is delicious.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host05:31
Just a pot of fat, just like an instant heart attack have you ever had? Have a bowl of instant heart attack.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host05:38
Bacon, that's just all fat. It's the most delicious part of the whole pig.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host05:42
Most of the fat burns off and you throw it away in the pan.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host05:46
No, but then you cook your eggs in it and you mix it in your orange juice.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host05:52
Okay, what Orange juice?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host05:56
That's disgusting. I want some bacon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host06:02
Don't meddle with the pot, my dearies, while I am gone, for the fat may harm you if it catches fire. Eh, oh good lord.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host06:14
But she was not gone long when the boy said to the girl as they played around the pot, Of course, don't touch that.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host06:23
What did they touch?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host06:24
first Well, why did she even say anything? She should have said just jump in the pot.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host06:29
They would have left it alone then.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host06:32
Who am I now? The boy said to the girl, let us see if the fat will burn. Burn, baby, burn, burn. So they took a burning stick of wood and dropped it into the fat and that was not a good idea and stood looking into the pot to see what would happen.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host06:56
Of course Not good. Well, I can tell them what happened, because.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host07:01
I lost hair on my face and legs due to some mistakes. Mistakes were made, the fat sputtered for an instant and there was a sudden flash and a tongue of flame shot upward from the pot into the faces of the children. And that's what you get for not listening to your mama. See you next week.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host07:27
Good night.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host07:29
Oh, their hair was burned to a crisp and their faces were scorched, and they ran from the house crying with pain. But when they reached the outer air, they found that they could not see, for the fire had blinded their eyes. So, oh man, it burned their eyeballs out. I'm going to sleep tonight, you know. So they stumbled around in darkness, crying loudly for help, but no help came, none.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host07:58
It's too bad. Do you think they deserved it? Yeah?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host08:02
Absolutely Every bit of it. Well, maybe not the melted out eyes, but they were told.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host08:09
Maybe now would be a great time to take a short break for a sponsor Sponsor break.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host08:18
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Micah (Knob Twister)Host08:27
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Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host08:44
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Micah (Knob Twister)Host09:00
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Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host09:22
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Micah (Knob Twister)Host09:37
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Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host09:40
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Micah (Knob Twister)Host09:43
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Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host09:47
Yeah, we won't do anything with your email. We barely even know what to do with it once we get it anyway.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host09:51
so All right. So let's recap. Children bad eyes, burnt out All right, Good recap. When their mother came home, she tried every remedy she thought might restore their sight.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host10:09
What Cold?
Micah (Knob Twister)Host10:12
compresses.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host10:12
She's like slapping mud on her.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host10:14
Aloe vera voodoo.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host10:16
Their eyeballs are melting out, we'll put some Vicks on it.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host10:22
Okay, take some aspirin, drink lots of water, wow, but all her medicine was unavailing and she said you will always be blind.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host10:34
That is the punishment For your disobedience.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host10:37
That's right. So the children? I guess she has no need to, she has no need to ground them.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host10:44
Yeah, there's no discipline beyond that that anybody needs. Pretty much did it? Yeah, that was a good one.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host10:51
You could like keep their molten eyeballs in some jars. I was going to say you could show them when they're bad again, but they can't see, oh. So that's kind of cruel. So maybe just let them feel them. Oh, Just to remind them.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host11:03
What are you talking about? That they need to behave. What are you talking about?
Micah (Knob Twister)Host11:09
You need to get yourself under control, I didn't take my medicine today.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host11:12
What the heck Keep their molten eyeballs.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host11:19
So the children lived in darkness for a long time For a long time. It says for a long time. I guess forever is a long time. No, not forever A long time, for a long time. It says for a long time. I guess forever is a long time no, not forever, a long time which you know don't spoil weeks, months, but they were no longer headstrong and unruly and although they could no longer see, they were less troubled to their mother, for whenever they were bad, she pulled that jar out.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host11:52
That's not on my page.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host11:54
So they were less troubled to their mother than they were when they had their sight, for they did not now refuse to do her bidding.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host12:04
That'll do it. One day, when their mother was far away hunting in the forest, an old woman came along and asked the children for food. Here we go, mm-hmm. And they brought good food to her. As she sat before the door After she had eaten, she said you are blind, but I can help you, for I am from the land of the little people.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host12:32
Well, that'll help a lot.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host12:34
Is that supposed to mean something?
Micah (Knob Twister)Host12:35
Maybe we can get some elves to tailor some new eyeballs.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host12:40
The little people. Are these munchkins? And they'll sing for them, make them happy. I don't know, I cannot give you four eyes, but I will give you one eye between you, uh-huh. You can each use it at different times and it will be better than no sight at all. Because, being a parent, we know that our children share so well, it's my turn with the eye Mom.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host13:13
Mom Hans took the eye, I'll put it in the jar if you don't stop it.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host13:21
Oh, this is my night off, I don't need to listen to that. But handle it with great care and do not leave it lying on the ground. Duh, that's why we have to label stuff. People are just dumb. Then she gave him an eye, which she took from her pocket.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host13:40
And disappeared. Nice Bye. I bet she was a witch, yeah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host13:45
Hmm.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host13:46
Hmm, hmm. So they used the one eye between them, and when the boy had the eye and the girl wished to see anything, she would say Give me the eye.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host13:58
Please.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host14:01
And her brother would carefully pass it to her. When their mother came home, she was very glad when she found that they had now some means of sight apparently just happened all the time I, I'd be questioning that yeah, like where, come over here and tell me where you got that eye. Yeah, right now promised anything like your soul or whatever's behind the shed.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host14:30
What's? Did they have to put it in their eye socket, or they just hold it, or what's going I?
Micah (Knob Twister)Host14:33
don't know, like the.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host14:34
The uh, what the crap was that Like that creepy old witch lady in the Dark Crystal With her eyes, she'd take it out and set it on the table.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host14:48
I don't know. Oh, you mean Dark Crystal.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host14:52
That's what I said. What did I say, dark Shadows, I don't know. Dark Crystal, I don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host14:57
Okay, that's what I thought, I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was distracted.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:01
Well, I know what you were doing.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host15:02
Because my phone went off. Shame on me. Turn it off.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:06
Moving along. One day when their mother was away, again somebody used to address this. She goes away a lot, this mother being away all the time the boy went into the forest with his bow and arrows, with his one eye.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host15:21
If you had to hold the eye with your hand there's no way you could use a bow.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:26
You need a crossbow.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host15:28
It didn't say crossbow I know you would need a crossbow.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:31
Or maybe a shotgun, or maybe they just lick it and stick it on their forehead.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host15:38
Could you imagine it would be really dry, or if your hands were dirty?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:43
oh it stings, brother, it stings. This is gross. What'd you do to it?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host15:49
stop and we're licking dried out eyeballs. He carried the eye with him. He had not gone far when he saw a fat we don't need to judge saw a fat, we don't need a judge. When we saw a big boned young deer which he killed. The deer was too heavy for him to carry home alone. So he said I will go and get my sister and we shall cut it up and put it in a basket and carry it home together. He went home and told his sister his good fortune and he led her to where the deer lay and they began to cut up the body. How is this working? With the one eye I can't picture it. But they had forgotten to bring a basket or a bag. He called to his sister saying you must weave a basket into which we can put the meat to carry it home.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host16:41
And his sister said how can I make a basket into which we can put the meat to carry it home?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host16:42
And his sister said how can I make a basket when I cannot see? If I am to weave a basket, I must have the eye.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host16:50
The boy brought the eye to her and she made a large basket from green twigs.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host16:57
Seems like unnecessary details. When she had finished making the basket, the boy said this seems like unnecessary details. When she had finished making the basket, the boy said I must finish cutting up the meat. Give me the eye. So she brought him the eye and he proceeded to chop up the meat and put it in the basket. Wow. Then he said why can we not have a meal here? I'm very hungry.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host17:25
His sister agreed that this was a good idea and he said you cook the meal while I pack the meat. Bit bossy. The girl made a fire, but she was afraid she would burn the meat.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host17:32
So she said I cannot see to cook. I must have the eye.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host17:37
By this time her brother had finished packing the meat into the basket and he brought her the eye and she went on with her cooking. This is just weird. The fire was low and she said I must have some dry wood.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host17:52
Bring me some dry pine.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host17:54
The boy wandered off into the forest in search of wood, but he had not gone far when he stumbled over a log and fell to the ground.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host18:02
Why was that? Well, because he didn't have his eye.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host18:05
He called to his sister in anger, saying you always want the eye for yourself.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host18:11
How can I gather dry pine when I cannot see? Give me the eye at once.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host18:16
Here we go. His sister ran to him and helped him up and gave him the eye. Well, that was sweet of her. No, she found her way back to the fire. But as she reached it she smelled the meat burning on the spit. She shouted.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host18:32
The meat is burning and our dinner will be spoiled. Give me the eye up once so that I may see if the meat is cooked. Ah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host18:41
Well, this is just an unnecessary amount of details. The boy was some distance away and in his anger he Really, and in his anger he threw the eye to her, saying Find it, I'm not going to walk to you with it if you are too lazy to come and get it.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host19:02
Oh, no, how's she supposed to find it Chucking the eye at each other? The eye fell to the ground between them, and neither of them knew where it lay. They groped for it among the dry leaves. But as they searched for it, a woodpecker. Oh come on watching from a branch of a tree nearby, swooped suddenly down and gobbled it up. Oh, come on, a woodpecker. You'd think they would have inserted a raven or a crow, something more Karen-like.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host19:34
I don't know, maybe they don't have woodpeckers in Canada, or maybe they only have woodpeckers in Canada.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host19:39
They have woodpeckers, eh, they do they do.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host19:42
eh, maybe they don't have crows, you don't know. Everywhere has crows, you don't know.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host19:47
Everywhere has crows.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host19:48
You don't know that.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host19:49
There's crows in the desert.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host19:50
Antarctica doesn't have crows. There's crows on the beach.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host19:52
There's crows everywhere, antarctica on. Uh, canada's pretty dang cold yeah oh touche, if you are listening and you live in Canada, first of all, we're sorry, eh no?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host20:10
we're not.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host20:11
Second of all, if you have crows, or you don't have crows, go to our website at talesofbedlamcom, leave a comment on this episode and let us know.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host20:25
We want to know all about your fowl.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host20:31
On a list, a detailed list. So the woodpecker swooped suddenly down and gobbled it up and flew away.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host20:36
This thing is oddly specific. As they were still searching for it, the old woman who had given it to them came along of course she did, sure she had been hiding among the trees to one purpose and she had seen the woodpecker flying away with her gift. She said where is the eye I gave you? She knows she saw the whole thing. She's just being devious. Crazy old woman.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host21:05
It dropped from my head answered the boy, so they are putting it in their eye socket yeah well they'd have to.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host21:13
Ew, that's gross and I don't want to think about him. We'll just get to the end of this one so I can drink some more and sleep tonight.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host21:21
It dropped from my head, answered the boy, and I cannot find it in the grass yes said the girl it dropped from his head and we cannot find it do we need to repeat everything?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host21:34
you have lied to me, said the old woman, and you have disobeyed, and for that I shall punish you. Really, they're already had their eyes melted out this is seriously the canadian baba yaga this is not good.
21:49
And with her magic power she changed the boy into a mole, okay, and the girl into a bat. Oh, blind the blind things. And said now live blind upon the earth, with only your sense of sound to guide you. At once, the boy and the girl were changed, and so the mole and the bat appeared upon the earth. It was a native tale. Huh, yeah, yes very native very strange. Huh, yeah, yes, very native, very strange. I don't think we need to be burning out kids' eyeballs.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host22:30
Well, no one did it on purpose, it was an accident.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host22:33
But we don't need to write about it, let's just write about happy things.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host22:40
Well, is there something good that came out of this?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host22:42
Are moles unruly.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host22:44
I like bats I'm glad we have bats.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host22:48
I wish I had a bat for a pet, but my wife won't let me. Yeah, yeah. They're just so cute and fuzzy.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host22:55
They do have little hairs, yeah.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host22:58
They're not super fuzzy, but. Yeah, they are, I guess their body.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host23:05
They're just like a little mouse with wings. I'm gonna get one. I don't know, it would be up all night while you're trying to sleep that's fine you just hear I'm gonna order one on amazon.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host23:17
And then you hear see how it works ah, the bat hit the window again.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host23:22
Why?
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host23:23
I guess it wouldn't because with its sonar it wouldn't hit windows like birds do they just fly around in circles on the ceiling Bats are super smart and birds are stupid, stupid birds.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host23:33
Woodpecker Eating eyeballs at our doors, woodpecker.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host23:37
Whoa. And here we go, alrighty, we like bats. And I we go, all righty, we like bats, and I don't particularly have a problem with moles, so I don't know why they were unruly children, I hate moles, they're all over my yard.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host23:51
Under my yard, I should say.
Dustin (Sofa Sitter)Host23:53
They keep my cats entertained.
Micah (Knob Twister)Host23:57
Good night, bye.